Varlas Blog

Busy Lady!

2010-02-16T13:33:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I am loving being in Boston, although I miss being in New Orleans on this oh, so special day, MARDI GRAS! Well, work calls, and Mama has to pick up the phone.

Phantom of the Oprah! with Ryan Landry and the Gold Dust Orphans begins on February 26th! The cast is amazing! And their talent is only matched by their kindness! (I know, I wish I had something catty to say, but I don't! I love em!) Here is a photo of me and the amazing Afrodite doing a scene! Click on the photo and get all the info on tickets, etc.

Me and Fro! Click on us!

I had such a ball in Stowe, Vermont with the sexy gays! What a trip! Thanks to Dina, the ASL interpreter! We had a ball! And thanks to Bobby, my dear friend who's a mortician and single, but also travels with me from time to time. Here we are in Stowe doing my "Hair Fan" number. Bobby is portraying the Mexican with the leaf blower in the lower right hand corner.

Me and Bobby.

Anyhoo, I was so honored to be the auctioneer at a benefit here in Boston at the W Hotel for "Community Servings." I was lucky enough to wear a gown made by Verna Turbulence. I love it!!! It is red with a pink "flocked" velvet pattern. LUV IT!!!

My gown by Verna Turbulence in the john at the glam W Hotel.

And here is a pic of me and Mark Meehan from Phantom of the Oprah! Yes, there is a love scene!!!! Mark was also is "Shut Up, Sweet Charlotte," my last "triumph."

Me and Mark Meehan. Sexy couple, right?

Well, I am off to rehearsal! That Ryan Landry is a regular slave master! But it is so going to be worth it! Mrs. Danvers stays at home curled up in the bed.

If looks could kill, I'd be a dead woman.

Don't worry about me,
VJ

P.S. Here I am with my newest colleague, Judith Light! AN AMAZING WOMAN!!!!!

Judith and I!

The Nanny Queen!

2010-02-01T08:36:00.001-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Ugly Varla!

2010-01-28T11:51:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I'm on UGLY BETTY next Wednesday!

I'm on UGLY BETTY next Wednesday!

I'm on UGLY BETTY next Wednesday!

Can you believe it? On February, 3rd! Don't blink or you'll miss me! Uh, and now they've canceled the show! Was it my fault? You be the judge?

I'm on UGLY BETTY next Wednesday!

Having a ball in Boston rehearsing PHANTOM OF THE OPRAH!, with Ryan Landry and all of the Gold Dust Orphans! It opens February 26th! I will do a video blog on Saturday from the photo shoot!

And if you guys have friends in Boston, tell them I am also doing a Valentine's show of all my love songs, as well as some brand new songs! A VARLA VALENTINE!, On February 14th, at 7pm, ONE NIGHT ONLY! Click on the image below for tickets! It's at Machine, in the Ramrod Center for the Performing Arts.

Come see me and warm me up! It's cold. Very cold!

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Stowe Away!

2009-12-26T19:59:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Big Dickens!

2009-11-21T07:23:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Fort Lauderdale Juice Fest!

2009-11-08T18:51:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Shut up, California!

2009-10-05T14:29:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Nuts about Folsom!

2009-09-25T09:46:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

UPDATE:
Turns out, the nuts weren't $9 a can, they were $10.99!!!!! Can you believe!? How salty! They added a "restocking" charge! That's $65.94 worth of nuts I ate in one day!

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Los Angeleez, Please!

2009-09-16T21:32:00.001-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I'm up late packing my bags, getting ready to go to Los Angeles to film a TV special! I know! WOWWIE! And if you live in the area, you can come to the taping! Just look on my "TOUR SCHEDULE" page for details!

I will be sharing the stage withe the hilarious Jackie Beat, and my dear friend, Miss Coco Peru!

Anyhoo, I don't get to take Mrs. Danvers because I have such a hectic schedule for ten days and I don't want to put my little baby through all of that. OH GOD I MISS HER ALREADY! She will be staying with my neighbor LaSwan (Lady Across the Street Without A Name). I love LaSwan, but she likes to put peanut butter on her toes and then lets Mrs. Danvers lick it off. I won't even tell you where she likes to put slices of bologna. Then Mrs. Danvers uses that same mouth to kiss me...

On a side note...I didn't know that having a boyfriend spit in your face was a bad thing, until Whitney said it all teary-eyed...and Oprah seemed to agree. My last boyfriend, who shall remain nameless not just for legal reasons, but also because I can't remember, used to spit on everything during lovemaking while he kissed me. Me, himself, the remote. Everything. If I only I had realized this was a personal revelation, I could have been on Oprah. Or at least Wendy Williams...

Is a dog's mouth really cleaner than a human's? My ex-boyfriend's definitely seemed fresher than Mrs. Danvers.

Just a side note.

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Footprints and poppers in the sand.

2009-08-23T07:21:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

I woke up this morning in Provincetown, and took Mrs. Danvers for her morning constitutional along the beach.

Amazing what treasures wash up upon the shore!

Ah, Provincetown!

Don't worry about me,
VJ

End of the hose?

2009-08-05T07:01:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Cute as a button!

2009-07-30T14:34:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Varla Jean Merkin!

2009-07-24T18:40:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Pee-town!

2009-07-17T11:35:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Backstage in our dressing room!

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Tweaking!

2009-07-15T09:57:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

I am so sorry to have been so delinquent in my correspondence! I have been so busy tweaking the MUSHROOMHEAD show!

As you know, we did it for five performances in New Orleans. By the fifth show, I called the show "frozen," Miss Birdseye. But, maybe everybody in New Orleans was drunk when they saw it! I'm kidding! My peeps down there just speak my language, and I love'em for it! The northerners have a different palette, so to speak, so a few changes were in order! And, because I have OCD, I worked for two weeks straight to get it perfect. And now it is! I am so dedicated to my "craft," and to "Kraft."

Mrs. Danvers has actually started enjoying the beach! You may recall, she was deathly afraid of water. I don't know why? Maybe because when she was two months old I put her in the Provincetown Bay thinking she would take to it like a fish to water. Instead, she thought I was drowning her, and has been wary of any moving water, and me, since.

I was watching "The Valley of the Dolls" last year, and when Ann and Lyon are walking on the beach, complete with the sounds of waves crashing and seagulls, Mrs. Danvers began to "freak out" as we say in psychology. When I drove her in a car to Lake Tahoe, she "freaked out" the moment she saw the lake. Ann-Marget does the same, I hear. But Ann-Margret and I both have Clonzepam prescriptions.

So, when I got a frisbee, which she became obsessed with, (Mrs. Danvers, not Ann-Margret) and when it landed in the water, I was shocked to see her go in after it. Then she started going in for no apparent reason, besides to get away from me.

Bathing Beauty.

So now that the show is fixed, I will try to regain your trust and readership. I am happy that Mrs. Danvers has also begun to relax and make friends, as well.

I don't know where she learned that, I swear!

Don't worry about me,
VJ

I'm back!

2009-07-03T07:13:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

I haven't been able to get online for two weeks because of my travels and schedule! But never fear, I'm back! We opened this week in Provincetown with Varla Jean and the Mushroomheads! And it was a hectic week!

But I promise a video blog from the show! I'll post it in the morning. I hope some of you are still out there!!!

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Busted Flat In...

2009-06-14T16:13:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Don't worry about me,
VJ

I'm off!

2009-06-12T11:04:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I'm off to Baton Rouge tomorrow to do a show on Sunday! I have never performed while people are eating brunch, but I have a feeling that I'm gonna go well with an omelet and side of bacon.

If you have friends in Baton Rouge, "busted flat in," to quote Miss Joplin, tell them that I'm a-coming! See my tour schedule page for details!

Then, I'm off to New Hampshire, where they are allowing the gays to marry! I'm doing a show in Portsmouth, NH, next Sunday, so check my tour schedule page for details! For some reason, I am not on the website, but I am really performing there. I hope they are not embarrassed or something! But you can call (603) 433-4472 for the info!

Then, finally I arrive in Ptown to start VARLA JEAN AND THE MUSHROOMHEADS! My dear friend Bobby is coming with me to promote the show, and we are even going to live together! Me, Bobby, and Mrs Danvers! It's going to be like "Three's Company!" But, Bobby really is gay. Who will be Mrs Roper?

Mrs. Danvers gives me a pedicure.

Bobby is a funeral director here in New Orleans but is taking time off to promote my show this summer. There is a joke in there, somewhere, but it's too easy, so if any of you, my dear readers, want to come up with a joke about a mortician handling my body, feel free to post a comment!

Bobby and his cadaverwagon.

Bobby is also "between apartments" and so we put a lot of his belongings in my storage locker. When I got in Bobby's van to go to the locker, I became aware of a distinct aroma. Turns out, Bobby was given the van by the city during Katrina to collect dead bodies after the storm. And, then he used the same van to transport dead bodies to the funeral home since then. And, although he washes it down, some smells can linger. Hey, but a set of wheels is a set of wheels, right?

If you think I'm joking about all that, your dead wrong. Tee-hee.

I love y'all! And I can't wait to relax in Provincetown!

Me and a "friend" relaxing in Provincetown, 2005.
If anyone knows who this is, shoot me a line!

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Gay Days!

2009-06-07T20:59:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Orlando!

2009-06-02T06:46:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Do you have friends in Orlando? Because, I'm going to be performing there this week at the Parliament House! Friday thru Sunday during Gay Days! Want more info on the show?

If you like it then you better put a click on it!

Anyhoo, I was driving around New Orleans yesterday and thought to myself "If I had a baby, and I wanted to go to the Club all night, and I didn't want anyone I know to know that I was gonna be out all night, where would I put my baby?" Well, presto! My prayers were answered!

And at only $3.00 an hour! I can stay out for 10 hours and only be out of pocket $30? And, they are licensed "Class A!" Now I just need to get a baby. Well, another one. One that is in my custody. (No fault of my own. Velveeta just kept running away. If I hadn't lived near an interstate, no one would have ever known...)

Speaking of my baby...

Mrs. Danvers doing her imitation of Mickey Rooney in "Breakfast at Tiffany's."
Actually, this may be her imitation of Bea Lillie in "Thoroughly Modern Millie."
I get them confused.

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Free bacon?

2009-05-25T06:36:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

It's my birthday week, so I decided to go out every single night and get as many free cocktails as I could. I didn't want this week to be any different from any other week. Why? Because I really don't want anyone to make any fuss and celebrate this BIG birthday of mine. That's why I'm writing about it, because I don't want any flowers (like colorful spring mixes of gerber daisies and lillies from Dunn and Sonnier) or male strippers (www.new-orleans-strippers.com) or any gorgeous jewelry from local artisan Mignon Faget (www.mignonfaget.com).

Please. Don't feel like you have to make me feel good now that I have left my dewy youth behind. I'm fine. Really. Look out cougars! There's a new cat in town and she's feeling good! But she's a touch bi-polar and the pendulum is bound to swing at any moment... So, hide anything with hair on it.

On Friday, LaSwan (Lady Across the Street Without A Name) and I went uptown with two of my dear lesbian lady friends to a bar called "Phillip's." It's a college bar near Tulane's campus. I decided this cougar would grab the bull by the horns, or anything else I could get my liver spotted hands on. I thought I would feel a little out of place, but boy did I feel better when the waitress (in a skirt so short I could see her navel) put this in front of me.

Verre de bacon.

I thought someone had told them it was my birthday week. Why else would someone hand you a free glass of bacon. Turns out, they give EVERYONE who orders a drink a glass full of fried and sugar coated pork belly. Now, that's New Orleans! Where else? Believe me! Can you imagine the looks on the queens' faces in San Francisco or Boston if a you plopped a glass of bacon in front of them? They'd probably run screaming out the door and onto a stair master just for looking at it.

Anyhoo, I don't know what happened after the glass was empty. Well, my glass never is...

On a sad note, Ms. Clara wasn't in her chair this morning. I hope everything is okay.

Don't worry about me,
Dunn and Sonnier
www.new-orleans-strippers.com
www.mignonfaget.com
VJ

Hanging with a horse.

2009-05-21T06:49:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I am home in New Orleans! But I had an amazing time in St. Louis. I may have been a little "risqué" for some of the crowd, but I had so many sweet fans there! I picked on a lady in the front row who turned out to be a billionaire. Maybe she'll ask me to live in her garage. Or create an "installation" in her living room. We'll see...

Special thanks to Michelle, the "hot Jew", and Corey, the "hot German," for my gift bag! Oooh! I love to be appreciated!

My favorite angle for any photograph. From under.

Thanks to Jim Dolan who treated me and my pianist, Tom Shaw, to a lovely tour of the city. And, how about that fried ravioli? We fry everything in New Orleans, so I felt as if I was with my people.

Then I was off to Boston to do a benefit for the Gay Men's Basketball League. I love giant men. I really do. Oh, boy do I!

"Come to Mama, Big Baby!" At Club Cafe in Boston!

Then, I helped my favorite basketball player, who is the reason I did the benefit. We went to his farm in New Hampshire and I helped straighten up the place. Imagine me on a tractor mowing acres of land. I was like Eva Gabor in "Green Acres."

They look so serene, right before they bite.

And a little roll in the hay never hurt anyone. Although, I have been finding hay in my dainty crevices for days. It's worse than glittter! And I love glitter. I really do. Oh, boy do I!

Today, I am going to do everything in my power to put a smile on somebody's face! (I have some special powers...)

Mrs. Danvers wouldn't get out of the car.

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Dribble Lady!

2009-05-16T10:49:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

St. Louis was fab! I will write about it tomorrow! I am too crazed today! Because...

I'm now in BOSTON! Have a benefit tonight for the Boston Gay Men's Basketball League! I know! Who knew? I never knew gay men played basketball, but then again I was shocked to find out about the Gay Log Cabin Republicans... And NO those having nothing to do with each other.

I will post a video blog after the show tonight, my pets!

It is at Club Cafe and tickets are still available! Every cent goes to the league (minus my plane ticket!) I even bought a Celtics uniform to wear!

www.ClubCafe.com for more info! Tell your friends!

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Meet me in St. Louis!

2009-05-12T06:03:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Now that I have finished VARLA JEAN AND THE MUSHROOMHEADS! I am off to St. Louis to perform in a gorgeous cabaret with my cohort on piano, Tom Shaw. If you know anyone in St. Louis (that doesn't work for law enforcement) tell them to come to the show! One night only! Click on the logo for details!

Click this, lady!

Anyhoo, some of the best moments of my life I have realized have been in my car enjoying a drive-thru daiquiri. I know drinking and driving may seem a little "progressive" to the rest of the world, but in New Orleans it just seems right. I laughed and laughed yesterday driving around the Garden District with LaSwan (Lady Across the Street Without A Name) celebrating her recent success in getting her cosmotology license. She has agreed to do my hair, so I'm gonna leave it at her place while I go up north! Then LaSwan told me she was going to bed early. However when I walked Mrs. Danvers and was going through LaSwan's trash this morning, I saw this.

Guilty.

Someone didn't go to bed early. I know a party when I see one. Even it's in someone's trash can.

Anyhoo, as I was walking Mrs. Danvers, I walked by a contactor's truck and noticed out of the corner of my eye that he was scratching something that must have been itching pretty badly. I poked my head into his vehicle and asked him if he was okay. We had a long conversation and the whole time he kept scratching! Like a wild animal! I must admit that I had ulterior motives for sticking my head into a strange, yet appealing contractor's window.

Aqua duct.

You see, I have had a crack in the bottom of my bathtub for years. I have tried to cover it with duct tape, but it keeps gettin bigger. I keep telling all the people who take showers at my house that it happened during Katrina, but I can tell that I'm not that good of an actress, because I know that disapproving look of "white trash" pretty well at this point.

I will never forget while I was on tour with the Broadway revival of "CHICAGO" how another "actress" told everyone in the cast that my toothbrush case was actually an empty, used toilet paper roll bent around the head of my brush. I was green when green wasn't cool... But that was the first time I recall the "white trash" disapproving look.

Even Mrs. D sometimes gives me that "look."

Anyway, after the contractor took a shower, he told me he would be back today to work on my plumbing and fill my crack. Let's hope. It is so big now that it is leaking all over the place.

And let me tell you, if you've never sat in a bathtub taking a bath that has a duct tape patch in it, DON'T! Sometimes the tape can curl around the edges and then attach itself to sensitive parts of your body that are covered in hair. Well, that "used" to be covered in hair...

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Obsessed.

2009-05-06T21:13:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

I must say I was EXHAUSTED from my whole Mushroomhead experience! But, in the meantime, I have taken up television to keep my brain from exploding. I was on such a high during the creation of the show that I feel like now I have stopped cold-turkey. Can't I have a seizure of some sort because of this? Or at the very least some sort of rage attack?

I love MEDIUM with that Arquette lady! I really can't get enough. I sometimes watch it on Ambien just so that I can watch it again without knowing the ending. That works with "personal" encounters as well.

Is anyone else obsessed with this show?

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Whew!

2009-04-28T14:06:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

I am sorry I was MIA the last two weeks, but show biz called, and I had to answer and put you darling people on hold. I hope you didn't hang up and block me!

We opened the new show at Le Chat Noir on Thursday and I was TERRIBLE! The Mushroomheads, Brooks Braselman and Ricky Graham were amazing, however! But, by Saturday, I finally started to get it together! And by this Saturday, it should be excellent!

Here's a little sneek peek!

Brooks Braselman, me, and Ricky Graham!

Thanks to Michael Von Redlich who took the photos, Cecile Casey Covert who did the costumeries, music director Tom Shaw, percussionist Carl Mack, stage manager Brian Johnston, producer Mark Cortale, Su and Thad at Le Chat, and our director Donna Drake! Provincetown, here we come!

Don't worry about me!
VJ

My big opening!

2009-04-22T06:02:00.001-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

VARLA JEAN AND THE MUSHROOMHEADS opens tomorrow night here in New Orleans! I will be back on my regular blog "schedule" after that, I promise.

Remember, all of this is for you. Because I love you.

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Rehearsals!

2009-04-17T06:26:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

We start dance rehearsals for my show this morning! I practiced all day yesterday at the bar. Once this show is up I will once again be able to devote all my time to you guys! Mrs. Danvers is very upset with me and my current schedule and has found a new hobby. Rug-munching. Literally. And it wasn't even my rug!

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Sunday in the park with me!

2009-04-13T15:28:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I was in Audubon Park in New Orleans on Sunday, bird watching. I adore the white swallow and make it a point to come every Sunday.

But no white swallow! Instead I found these items.

Black leather glove.

Maybe I've watched too many soap operas, and if I were in New York I wouldn't think anything of this. But, being in hot, muggy New Orleans, I can't help but think a chic strangler was on the prowl.

Moist lips.

Did the strangler use this before or after the crime. Neither, Jessica Fletcher! No one chic enough to wear a black leather glove in New Orleans in April is going to be using a generic brand lip moisturizer. Could this have belonged to the lady that is now in someone's trunk? I needed some Chapstick, but I decided not to take this no-name concoction. Besides, I tried it and didn't like the taste. Tasted like a strangled lady.

Oleander!

I love this flowering tree and they are so gorgeous here, right now. The tasty blossoms make stunning garnishes for omelets and desserts.

I waited around to see who owned this truck.

Firearms instructor and Nascar Fan.

I know he would be sexy, and I know I'd hate him. Both of which are qualifications for me to date someone.

The reason why this blog is as exciting as an Enya Concert is because I am opening my new show in a little over a week. I wanted to write about something else, so I was reduced to digging through bushes in the park. Well, I usually do that anyway, but without the camera. Well, I have taken a few shots in the bushes, now that I think of it.

Don't worry about me,
VJ

The Mushroomheads!

2009-04-08T07:32:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

I have been so busy, here in New Orleans, rehearsing for the new show! And look at this! It is the poster for the show that features Ricky Graham and Brooks Braselman.

VJ and the Mushroomheads! Opens April 23rd!

Thank you so much to the brilliant Glen Hanson who did the illustration. Go to www.glenhanson.com to sample more of his genius!

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Snuggalicious!

2009-04-03T16:24:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I did this a while back and thought you guys would like to see it! That's Yvette Hargis, Ricky Graham and Brooks Braselman. Thanks to Bill Blanke, who filmed and edited the sucker!

Don't worry about me,
VJ

The loser is...

2009-04-01T06:38:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

The BIG EASY AWARDS were held on Monday, here in New Orleans, at Harrah's Casino. I lost. And my friend Ricky Graham lost, too, so that made me feel a lot better.

Me (on the left) and Brian Johnston, Stage Manager Extraordinaire!

Me and a non-loser, Miss Dorian Rush!

Dorian Rush looks amazing! She's lost so much weight and was gorgeous in DIE MOMMY! DIE! And, she is in my TEQUILA MAKES HER CLOTHES FALL OFF video, but as a much larger lady! Look!

Anyhoo, Miss Jennifer Coolidge and Mister Brian Batt were also in attendance! Is it just me or do I seem like a third wheel in this photo? That's the problem with three-ways. While two people are having a good time, the other is left out, either licking someone's feet or going through someone's wallet. Brian has a nice thick wallet. Jennifer has movie star lady feet.

Luncheoning with Roz. (If you get that, you are REALLY gay...)

Pas de deux.

Miss Coolidge is actually good friends with my friend Nora Burns! Nora, if you recall, just played Ant Coulter in a video I filmed last week in San Fran Suzy!

Nora Burns as Ant Coulter!

But, the night was truly hilarious for me because of this lady.

My employee, Yvette Hargis.

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Fried Woman.

2009-03-30T12:17:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Being an international chanteuse is hard, lemme tell you. United lost my luggage! And I have to perform at an awards show tonight, THE BIG EASY's, here in New Orleans.

I need my MAC makeup! Covergirl won't cover this gal! I will try to do a video blog when I get home tonight, if I don't look like KD Lang.

And what am I gonna do wothout my Malin+Goetz Cellular Renewal Cream! All my facial cells laying here hungry to be renewed!

How does Beyoncé do it? Oh yeah. 80 million dollars leaves room for an assistant. LaSwan (Lady Across the Street Without a Name) said I should just have a drink and not show up. But I've done that so many times before, even that is getting a little tired.

Wish my face luck.

Don't worry about me,
VJ

San Fran Suzy Sat

2009-03-28T10:04:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Woke up this morning in San Fran Suzy to a lovely breakfast from my hosts, Scotty and Steven on Bryant Street.

Scotty and sausages.

After I performed in Austin, I came out here to film a new video for VARLA JEAN AND THE MUSHROOM HEADS, called "Story Time with Ann Coulter."

That lovable children's character, ANT COULTER.

That is actually my friend Nora Burns, form UNITARD and THE NELLY OLSENS! Tee-hee!

Everyone wanted to wear the Ann Coulter wig!

Steven as Ann Coulter. (A little Fabio-ish!)

I am off to New Orleans today to start rehearsals on Monday! Jet Blue, boo!

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Evie on TV!

2009-03-25T12:19:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

For those of you out there who love the movie I was in (well, the one that was released), "Girls Will Be Girls," I have something exciting to tell you.

Jack Plotnick, who plays Evie, is going to be featured in a TV show tomorrow! (TV as in television, not TV as in transvestite)

He's going to be on "Supernatural" THIS THURSDAY, March 26th at 9pm on the CW! (First 20 minutes of the show)

It's his biggest role in a drama yet (with a SHOCKING surprise)! Episode titled "It's a Terrible Life".

That's Jack, on the left, ah, right!

Don't miss it!

Ratatouille

2009-03-23T06:17:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Know anyone in Austin? I'm gonna be there! Wednesday night! I'm doing two short sets for all the kids at Oil Can Harry's!

Click on it for details! What a bargain price! I'm cheap!

I have been so busy filming with THE MUSHROOM HEADS for the new show! I am so excited for y'all to see it!

But, on Saturday, I took time out of my busy schedule to go out to eat with my "friend" Bubba (short for Bubalah.) We ate at a very nice restaurant here in New Orleans. The ambiance was incredible, with a sky of blooming wisteria above us.

However, I kept noticing two women looking down at my feet in horror. I thought I must have poked a hole in my panty hose with my big toe again. Happens all the time because my toe nails are like razor blades. Kind of like Lotte Lenya in the James Bond film "From Russia With Love." Remember, when she tries to kick him with her poison tipped shoe? An old lady trying to kick you isn't very threatening, even if her shoes are equipped with a weapon.

Lotte Lenya. From Kurt Weill to vile villain.

I digress. They weren't looking at my poison-tipped hoof. No, it was worse. There was a very large "mouse" at my feet acting drunk. I thought he had been hitting the sauce, but Bubba said he obviously was dying from rat poison and was taking his last crawl, daring as it may be, into the dining area for his final scene. (Jewish people are more dramatic than actors, I swear!)

Anyhoo, so as the "mouse" delivered a performance worthy of Maria Callas as Violetta in La Traviata, the waiter noticed the death scene as well, and without missing a beat, put a napkin over it and picked it up, pulling the curtain before its final bow, and whisked it out of the dining area...passing by table after table with one knowing what was in the napkin. I asked the waiter when he returned to take our order how he "disposed" of the "mouse," and he looked me right in the eyes and said "Shhhhh!"

She was allowed to finish her scene.

Then he informed me that when he bent down to give the "mouse" a ride to "heaven" that my big toe was, in fact, sticking out of my panty hose. Vile.

Don't worry about me,
VJ

The BIg Easy

2009-03-18T07:14:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

I am so thrilled to be in New Orleans! Amazing! Here's my song about my favorite place in the world!

I have to go now and film a new video for my new show, VARLA JEAN AND THE MUSHROOM HEADS!

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Somebody bag me.

2009-03-15T22:06:00.001-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

The boys at Bearotic.com took this picture. Can you believe it?

Just breathe.

I'm sure some fetishists out there are lovin' this hot suffocating mama! Is this what lesbians wear for safe sex?

Alright! I "Googled" myself, and when this picture came up I almost died! Really!

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Louisville?

2009-03-14T09:06:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

I am here to tell you that Louisville was AMAZING! I was at the Kentucky Center for the Arts on Friday night. Now some of you may be thinking then, "I guess Kentucky has a lower standard of 'Art,' right?" Well, NO! Quite the contrary!

My head was bigger than usual. Huge, in fact!

First of all, I stayed in the most amazing place I have ever stayed at! And I have stayed in some swanky motels! The 21C Museum Hotel in Louisville! Check it out! It is filled with fascinating modern art, video installations, and Malin+Goetz products! (my favorite!)

My lovely ass., Johnny!

Johnny used the urinal in the hotel bathroom while I waited in the hallway, looking at myself in a giant floor-to-ceiling plate glass mirror. When Johnny came out he said he saw me "touching" my nose. Turns out, the urinal is a two-way mirror!

Johnny's pants are down on the other side of that glass!

You pee on one one side of the glass and no one can see you on the other! Who doesn't love a creative urinal! Of course, I have been on one side of a two-way mirror once before. But, the man wasn't able to identify me. Thank God for my chameleon-like fashion sense.

Look at the red penguins!

Anyhoo, the show was wonderful, thanks to my wonderful pianist, Tom Shaw. And of course, the Kentucky Center's Dan Forte and Tom Trudgeon. And, look how fashionably the audience was dressed!

That's Herman on the left and Marty on the right!

And that wasn't the first time I have been on their chests!

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Charlotte Photos!

2009-03-11T19:12:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

I am off to Louisville in the morning for my show on Friday night!

Today, I got some cast pictures from our production of "SHUT UP, SWEET CHARLOTTE!" that was produced by Dave Morgan and Tim Perez at Reaction Productions, and adapted by Jeffery Roberson and Mr. Matthew Martin!

Thanks to the amazing guys at TRIANGLE INN in Palm Springs! Stay there if you go! Some of the cast stayed at WARM SANDS VILLA and loved that, too! Thank you, both amazing inns, for supporting the "arts."

Killing Velma, Brooks Braselman!

Killing the audience, Mr. Ricky Graham!

Killer guns on Mr. Mark Meehan!

Killer scene!

Killer cast! With Yvette Hargis and Michael Sullivan!

Can you believe it?

I will do a video blog after my show in Kentucky for Saturday!

Smooches from the pooches!

Rebecca and Mrs. Danvers.

I know I'm annoying with the dog photos, but I can't help it. I love them so much! I can't believe it!

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Seeing double!

2009-03-09T10:04:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I just got off the plane from LA to LA (Louisiana). I am here filming the videos for my new show "VARLA JEAN AND THE MUSHROOM HEADS!" which opens in New Orleans on April 24th.

LaSwan (Lady Across the Street Without A Name) was outside to greet me, although when she saw me pull up, she darted back inside. She's pretty shy sometimes. I kept knocking for 3 hours and she finally heard me. When she opened the door, I couldn't believe it! There was a puppy, just like my Mrs. Danvers!

Seeing double without "help."

LaSwan named her Gracie, but I promptly changed her name to Rebecca. (Becks for short...) LaSwan said she got Rebecca because she missed Mrs. Danvers so much. Then she asked me when I was leaving again. It's nice to have a neighbor so supportive of my "career."

I'm off to Louisville, KY, for a show on Friday, much to the delight of Kentuckimanarians and LaSwan!

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Palm Saturday

2009-03-07T02:06:00.001-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Sorry I missed Wednesday! I am a busy on the go lady!

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Palm Springs!

2009-03-02T23:22:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Sorry so late today! I flew from Chicago to LA and then drove to Palm Springs for "SHUT UP, SWEET CHARLOTTE!"

I am exhausted, but can't wait to do the show! Only three, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday! Tell your Palm Springs friends and Suzanne Sommers.

I love my life! I do. Well, the pendulum has swung again at least for now.

I am looking forward to going back to New Orleans for a while. I miss her. Bad. But in the meantime...

View from the Triangle Inn!

I will give you guys a video blog late on Wednesday! I promise!

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Pushing Varla!

2009-02-28T07:15:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,

My show in Chicago at HYDRATE was so much fun last night. Have another one tonight! Both sold-out! Oprah wasn't there last night. Maybe tonight?

But Chicago is too cold! Oh, well how fortunate for me, I go to Palm Springs on Sunday to do "Shut Up, Sweet Charlotte!"

Mrs. Danvers is so cold!

Anyhoo, my friend Mark sent me this clip from a benefit I did years ago with Kristin Chenoweth! Look at the pretty lady who comes in at 2:22. Don't blink! That's also Edie and Steven Brinberg as Barbra!

Don't worry about me,
VJ

My kinda town!

2009-02-26T19:38:00.001-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

I've jetted off from Los Angleles, almost in First Class, thanks to that bulk-head seat, and am now in Chicago! Tell your friends!

I am at HYDRATE, although I rarely participate in that tradition, thanks to all that beef jerky. But who can resist a big chunk of dried bovine flesh! Yummy!

Come see me, Chicagoamanarians, on Friday and Saturday night!

Click on the fab postcard for more info!

Anyhoo, I went to the "99 Cent" store in in Hollywood yesterday to stock up on irregular beef jerky. But look what I found instead! Something yummier!

"Great Tasting Marshmallow Fries"

Marshmallow Fries! Made out of realish marshmallow! Look to the lower left of the package! It's "Kandy Ketchup" that you can squirt all over the fries! Some friggin' genius got rich off of this one. I'm always a step behind. I bet those French people have never seen anything like this in France.

Then, I had the great idea to come up with giant marshmallow pizza slices. Too late.

"All American 'Fun' Pizza"

I'm not sure why being made out of marshmallow makes it "All American." Wait a minute. That's not very nice.

Probably made in France.

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Who's that squirrel?

2009-02-23T00:00:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Watching the Oscar's. And somehow found myself outside courting rabies. Sadly, I think the latter was more entertaining.

Although this dress left me foaming at the mouth. Why was Beyoncé on the red carpet in a dress that looked like it was made from a Hawaiian hookers bedspread? Deré-off!

I'm wearing a Tostitos bag right now. Nacho problem.

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Rain Dance

2009-02-21T08:16:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I'm still in LA, and the Oscar's are tomorrow!

I still don't know what I'm going to wear. I was thinking either the bathrobe I "accidentally" put in my suitcase when I got off that cruise on Queen Mary 2 I worked on, or I could always go "commando" in a Snuggie.

Yes. I'm going to watch it from my apartment in LA. Isn't that like going to Mardi Gras in New Orleans and watching the parades on TV?

Oh, I had to say it. As you know, I live in New Orleans and I will not be there for Mardi Gras this year. A tear (just one) is streaming down my face right now and landing in my chicken pot pie.

Mardi Gras tomfoolery!

I couldn't come home this year because my neighbor LaSwan (Lady Across the Street Without A Name) was taking the cosmetology licensing exam this week and asked if I not be home for the month of February because she said I would be a distraction. She didn't use those exact words, but it was the "jist" as we say.

Maybe she'll do my hair when I get back. Maybe I will want her to?

Then today my friend called me and told me that LaSwan's little brother, L'il Ray Ray, was staying in my house with his six daughters, two sons, and his "workout partner." I hope I locked my medicine cabinet...

Anyway, Happy Oscar's. Happy Mardi Gras. I hope it doesn't rain really hard on both.

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Car trouble

2009-02-18T17:56:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

I am proud to announce I have a new sponsor!

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Orange glad I sang Carmen

2009-02-16T09:17:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

People ask me all the time what my influences are. Well, I have been under the influence of so many things that it really is rather difficult to remember anything.

But, I came across this on YouTube and had such a flashback.

It's fascinating how our childhood memories profoundly influence our adult lives. This is pretty much my act right down to the nuts on my face.

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Girls Will Eat Meat

2009-02-14T00:00:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Last night we had a GIRLS WILL BE GIRLS reunion dinner!

I love group dinners in restaurants, especially when you go out with five other people who don't drink and you all split the bill! I ended up only having to pay $1 for each of my $6 beers! I saved $45! That's what Miss Coco said I saved, anyway.

We went to a Korean Barbeque restaurant in Korea Town here in Los Angeles. It was "authentic" which means it doesn't look, smell, or taste right. What was super neat, though, was that there was a mini-barbeque grill in the middle of every table, kind of like a big ashtray but with more smoke.

Those better not be my good scissors!

Korea Town is a fun place filled with Tyler Perry MADEA billboards and Mexican people playing festive salsa music while washing their cars. I didn't see any Koreans except for the one who kept coming to our table and cutting the chicken with a pair of scissors, obviously a Korean custom...like when they force a stadium crowd to make giant pictures with flash cards and then shoot the unpatriotic losers who mess it up.

Bird and beer.

I dug right in but noticed no one else was eating. Most everyone wanted to wait until the chicken was "cooked." I learned that is a good idea. Next time!

Clinton and Jack, who were my supporting actors in GIRLS WILL BE GIRLS.

I really do love Clinton and Jack, who played Coco and Evie. They are so funny! Jack even played this funny joke where he went to the bathroom right before the check came and he never came back! He is always on!

I'm not sure who this is.

The amazingly talented, genius writer, Richard Day,
who works in television and has the power
to create more work for me.

All in all, it was a dinner I will not soon forget. I really won't. My coat still smells like garlic beef.

I have, however, started cutting all my meat with scissors. Try it. It's really fun!

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Cat House Blues

2009-02-11T08:00:00.001-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

There are two things I get really upset about when I see them cast aside onto the curb of the street.

#1: Mattresses that you don't realize are covered in stains until AFTER you get them into your bedroom. And,

#2: This!

Kitty doesn't live here anymore.

Seeing this just makes me think. And I hate that feeling.

Did kitty pass away? Or did she just lose the will to play? Why? What happened? Is she okay? Why didn't someone put a note on it saying, "Don't worry! Everything is okay!" You know why? Because everything is not okay! KITTY IS NOT OKAY!!!! This is why I need Ambien at night.

Well, I am choosing to take the sunny road and be an optometrist. I have always been a "my glass is half not drunk" kind of person.

I am going to believe that kitty's owner felt that the above cat condo was a bit out-of-style and because he loved kitty so much, he bought a new one! An "upgrade," as we celebrities say when we're "accidentally" in coach with the civilians. Maybe kitty is relaxing on this!

Or perhaps kitty's owner was on THE PRICE IS RIGHT and came home with this one! Get a load of this thing!

Maybe this deluxe top of-the-line cat scratch structure was delivered that very morning and now kitty is so happy she's dancing around on her tippy-toes, purring like Eartha Kitt.

Oh, why did I have to bring her up? Kitty's dead. I know it. Everybody's dead.

Anyhoo, my friend Miss Coco told me last week that some cats can smell cancer. I have no idea what cancer smells like, so I find that hard to believe, but Coco knows all kinds of stuff that no one else has time to know! However, I did have an airport custom's dog attack me one time in the passport line in Sydney because I had an apple in my handbag. They don't allow fruit in Austria. Well, not imported fruit. Wait a minute. I hope that dog was smelling the apple and not cancer.

My friend and colleague, Miss Coco Peru.

Speaking of Coco, we're having a GIRLS WILL BE GIRLS reunion dinner tonight! Will tell y'all all about it on Saturday!

Don't worry about me,
VJ

The six dollar laugh

2009-02-09T09:05:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Had a wonderful time in Palm Springs, where I woke up in a hot tub with my bikini top inside a beer bottle. I vaguely remember pushing it in there with my tongue. It's a muscle, and should be exercised so that it doesn't fail you when you really "need it."

Anyhoo, came back to Los Angeles and had drinks with my pal Edema at The Abbey! And I had another "celebrity" sighting! Janice Dickinson, the world's first supermodel, as she says.

My colleague, Janice Dickinson. She looked good!
It was really dark.

She ordered a drink and when the bartender said, "Six dollars," she said "Six bucks? Do you know who I am?" He said, "You're the lady who is going to give me six dollars." I laughed in my darn outer voice, the one that gets me in trouble, the laugh that resembles the sound a hyena makes when having its "lower belly" being tickled by a feather duster, and she turned and looked at me! In the eyes! It was thrilling. Kind of like the end of "Rosemary's Baby." But without the "comic relief" of Ruth Gordon.

Anyway, my dear friend Bubba, short for "Bubalah," sent me a "King Cake" from New Orleans to celebrate the Mardi Gras. Talk about a sweetheart! I came home, high as a kite, well, from my celebrity sighting and consequential adrenaline rush from the fear of being attacked, and ate the whole thing. Happy Mardi Gras!

It was delicious. And I know, because I kept tasting it ALL night. With the whole pizza I ate from Papa John's. And the whole burrito I ate while I was waiting for the pizza. And the whole Big Mac I ate while waiting for the burrito, while waiting for the pizza. There's a lotta "wholes" in that statement. Here's the proof.

Good morning, heart-burn. I digested all of this last night.
As well as my esophagus.

I better go to the gym now. Hope I don't run into Janice! Call me Dionne Warwick, but I have a "hunch" that she's not up yet.

It's amazing how I have the most amazing will power all day long and then, BAM! It's gone after six wild berry martinis! (I had to actually pay for mine, too.)

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Booby Trap!

2009-02-07T11:53:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Mrs. Danvers and I took a our usual morning walk today, but I decided to go down an alley way to cut back to the house because I woke up a little "tired" and because I saw a discarded pizza box. I didn't find anything except crusts in the pizza box. But, look what I did find!

Mrs. Danvers doesn't like a collar. But I love a cuff.

Yes, that is Mrs. Danvers. And yes, that is a telephone pole. And yes, that is a pair of handcuffs bolted to it. At first I thought maybe it was some sort of "tool" left behind by the Verizon man.

But, then I remembered that I was in West Hollywood. I was very tempted to try on the opened cuff, but thought it might be a trap! What if I would put it on and someone would come take advantage of me?

Well, it didn't work. No one ever came by with a key, and Mrs. Danvers had to finally dial 9-1-1. Thank God she has one opposable thumb.

So after this horrific "accident" I have decided to create my own safety campaign, similar to the "If you throw away a refrigerator out onto the street, make sure you take the door off!"

My campaign will be more like "If you handcuff a friend to a telephone pole, make sure you close both cuffs before disposing of the body."

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Will Blog for Bingo!

2009-02-04T10:10:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

I am in Los Angeles, writing, taking in the sun, getting in shape, and giving my self-confidence a senseless beating. EVEN THE HOMELESS ARE HOT HERE! I'm not joking! And many are so witty!

Everyone wants to be in show business in LA.

Amazing that someone could be in that situation and still be able to try and make people laugh. Well, at least I always know I will have some sort of venue to create comedy, no matters what happens. Comforting.

Speaking of begging, last night I went to the Drag Bingo benefit at Hamburger Mary's on Santa Monica Blvd. in West Hollywood. WOW! The host, and a friend of mine, Bridgette of Madison County, was the ball caller, and she is so funny! People used to say that we looked alike, when she had longer hair! Which is odd because she is a man! Then again, Clay Aiken looks like a fem KD Lang, so go figure!

That's not me! That's a man, but with less make-up than me.
Bridgette, a few years ago....

Anyway, the best part about the evening, besides the bartender (GEEZ LOUISE! I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA HAVE AN ANEURYSM FROM THE BEAUTY OVERLOAD!) was that Jennifer Love Hewitt was sitting next to me! Until they asked me to "please" leave her table. I mean, we are colleagues, so I thought I could sit at her table, you know, like in high school at the cheerleader table. Oh, I was removed from that one, too.

Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Anyhoo, she looked gorgeous, from the back at least, even though she didn't recognize me. It'll come to her, maybe, when she comes home tonight and finds me in her front lawn. With the other attractive homeless people.

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Danny does inversion

2009-02-02T12:06:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

The Atlanta run of "SHUT UP, SWEET CHARLOTTE!" was amazing! Thanks to all y'all Georgian peaches who came out to see the show!

I am in Los Angeles now, so I will have a lot to say on Wednesday! But in the meantime, look at Mrs. Danvers' acrobatic prowess as she buries a bone!

Press Play!

Don't worry about me.
VJ

Do you smell something?

2009-01-31T00:00:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,

It is illegal to start a fire. Especially when you start one in the hopes of meeting a fireman. Oh! But those Fireman Calendars drive me wild! Just knowing those big burly men are out there, waiting to hose things down! Like this one in New Orleans!

A burly fireman. And his furry ass.

Click here for the whole calendar!

Well, after learning that fireman aren't "turned-on" by arsonists, even in imported plus-size lingerie, I decided to try a new approach.

Too subtle?

Doesn't work. Not yet. Maybe I should put my kitty out on a limb...

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Gone with the car...

2009-01-28T00:00:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

After a wonderful week of shows here in Atlanta at the 14th Street Playhouse, I decided to do some sightseeing today! Little did I know, I am staying right next door to the lady who wrote "Gone with the Wind." Margaret Mitchell is her name, and she lives on the corner of Peachtree and 10th Street.

My neighbor.

I decided to invite her to "Shut Up, Sweet Charlotte" since it is right around the corner and, like "Gone with the Wind" is also about a Southern mansion, but turns out she won't be seeing the show. Ever. She's like the wind. Gone.

Oh, I was so embarrassed, but I still managed to ask the lady who works there if she could put out some of my fliers. She obviously didn't want the competition... And her southern gentility virtually vanished when I asked her if Margaret Mitchell was related to Paul Mitchell.

Margaret and Paul Mitchell.

Is your hair "Gone with the Wind?" Not with Paul Mitchell's Hold Me Tight Hairspray! (I did used to work in advertising, you know...)

Turns out, Margaret Mitchell died in 1949 on the corner of Peachtree and 13th Street. She was hit by a car! She walked out into the street without looking. I walked over there, and now I know why!

Margaret Mitchell died here. I sphinx.

She was probably trying to figure out why there was a giant statue of King Tut on the corner. I was! And I was almost hit by a car, myself.

Seems odd that they have a King Tut Exhibit in an abandoned gas station in Atlanta. Memphis, maybe...

Ankh if you need a tomb-up!

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Record?

2009-01-26T00:00:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Don't worry about me.
VJ

Dead Ringer!

2009-01-24T00:00:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Well, after I ejected Mr. Ricky Graham from my dressing room, and Febreezed my wig, I was off to BLAKE'S, here in Atlanta, to promote the show. Then, of course I came back to my corporate apartment and ate everything in sight.

What did I eat, you ask, right before I posted this blog?

Which died first, the chicken or the peanut?

Yes, that's right, three, not one, THREE protein bars...WITH PEANUT BUTTER PASTE. Then, moments later, I tune into CNN and discover that nutrition bars are now being recalled. How does this happen? How does a peanut come down with salmonella? Did Mr. Peanut have unprotected relations with Chicken Little? Who's combining susceptible peanuts with dirty chickens?

Wait a minute! Kung Pao! That's how! Oh, those Chinese have done it again! Anti-freeze in toothpaste! Melanoma, or whatever, in babies' milk!

So, as you read this, Atlanta EMS personnel are probably lifting my lifeless salmonella-riddled body off of a soiled toilet and into a hearse...like Elvis. But with more rhinestones.

But even though I'm deceased, I bet I still won't get nominated for an Oscar for GIRLS WILL BE GIRLS.

Don't worry about me,
VJ

I'm sorry!

2009-01-22T21:09:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

I'm so busy! I'm sorry I'm late! But I am in Atlanta, and I just got internet tonight! Please forgive me. I'm gonna hurt myself if you don't.

Don't worry about me,
VJ

On the boards!

2009-01-19T19:36:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

I finished my standing room only show in San Fran Suzy, and I just arrived in Atlanta! And look!

Marquis de Me!

Can you believe it! Name above the title! Amazing! I think there are other people in the show. I think.

No, I'm kidding! A little. "Sharing" the stage with me are the wonderful talents of Ricky Graham, Mark Meehan, Brooks Braselman, Yvette Hargis, Michael Sullivan and Mark Cortale! And, of course, the show was written by Jeffery Roberson and Matthew Martin! And the guys from Reaction Productions, who are producing the show, are treating me like a queen!

This is going to be so fantastic! Tell yo' friends in Atlanta! Come see SHUT UP, SWEET CHARLOTTE! Call 404 733-5000!

Don't worry about me,
VJ

One more night only

2009-01-17T00:00:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

I took this picture today near Union Square.

Yes. That is a rat on a cat on a dog.
If they can live in harmony, why can't
the Israelis and Palestinians.

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Upgrade!

2009-01-14T00:00:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

This week I got moved into a deluxe suite! I did! And I didn't have to do anything to get it! Well, not that I remember, anyway. Look at the view from my bed!

Gorgeous! San Fran Suzy!

Taught a few classes today at The Cheese School. Other than that, my days have been free to enjoy the beautiful (i.e. freakishly warm and unsettling) weather!

I taught Cheese History 101, Curd Processing, and, of course,
The Effects of Rennet Enzymes on Hydrophilic Surfaces.

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Soft shoulder?

2009-01-12T00:00:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Don't worry about me,
VJ

20 percent?

2009-01-10T00:00:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Attack dog

2009-01-08T22:52:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Rrazz-le Dazzle!

2009-01-07T00:00:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Have you been watching LOGO for the other versions of the public service announcement I did? (See it in yesterday's blog!) Or on TV! LOGO! LOGO! LOGO!

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Til Tuesday

2009-01-06T09:20:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

You Guys! The PSA I did for LOGO is up! Share it with all of your "friends."

Gay music and video from NewNowNext.com

It does feel wonderful to support the drag community, even though I am a real woman, because I share in so many of their hardships. (I, too, have very hairy arms and a propensity to barter with taxi drivers.)

Anyway, I didn't write my blog yesterday because I was stuck on a tarmac in Dallas for 4 hours on my way to San Francisco, where I am "performing" at the Nikko Hotel's Rrazz Room! Then I had a layover because I missed my connecting flight! UGH! Poor Mrs. Danvers. Not only were we in coach, which makes her very testy, we were in a middle seat. No one was happy about my vocal warm-up either. And that includes Mrs. Danvers.

The Rrazz Room. Classy Venue. Classy Lady.

It was raining in New Orleans, so Mrs. Danvers wouldn't go to the bathroom that morning either. LaSwan (Lady Across the Street Without A Name) was so nice to take us to the airport at 6 AM. She said she wanted to be sure I got to the airport and on the plane! She's very sweet, even though she did ask me to pay for a full tank of gas and a carton of Virgina Slims Ultra Light Menthol Cigarettes.

Mrs. Danvers sleeps while being chauffeured to the airport.

When I was laying over in Dallas, I tried to make Mrs. Danvers pee in the handicap stall in the bathroom by putting a bunch of toilet seat sanitary covers on the floor, but she wasn't taking the hint, even after I squatted down and did it myself. Instead, she kept peering under the stalls at other people using the toilets. I don't know where she learned that. But I really don't understand where she learned to tap on their shoes with her paw. She's a regular Ann Miller. But she can turn to the left AND to the right.

But, off to "rehearsal." We open tomorrow! And I have a live band! The Memanators, featuring Tom Shaw on piano, and Roberta Damke on drums! I love a gal with a stick!

If you like it then you better put a "click" on it.

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Free refills

2009-01-03T10:10:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

I was driving around New Orleans yesterday thinking, "I wish someone fabulous could do my hair right now!" Luckily at that exact moment, I rear-ended Jossie! Fabulous! After we exchanged insurance information, I sat in her front seat and she did my hair! The tools of her trade were overflowing out of the backseat of her Pontiac Grand Am! It was like being in a high-end salon, but without all that frivolous comfort.

This was no accident.

Good thing I got the hair styling before Jossie realized I made my insurance card on my own computer. It's not my fault! I had to because I know the police haul you into jail if you don't have insurance, and I am not going back there. Not twice in one week, believe you me... Thank you, Jossie!

Then, I was off to the Walgreen's to pick up some prescriptions. I realized after I picked them up that they weren't for me. I was so ashamed! Obviously, at that fancy New Year's Eve party I went to in the warehouse district here in New Orleans, I must have gone into the host's bathroom and called in refills on all of his prescriptions, then inadvertently picked them up before realizing I didn't give my own name to the pharmacist! Oh, Lord. Now what do I do?

Anyhoo, I strolled down the toy aisle and became pretty upset with how violent some childrens' toys have become. Thank goodness I had a whole bottle of Judge Chaisson's generic Clonzepam to calm me down. (Does anyone know what Propecia does? I've been handling the tablets.)

Play this.

Don't worry about me,
VJ

New Year's Eve!

2008-12-31T09:38:00.001-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

My dear friend Miss Chad came into New Orleans for New Year's Eve! Believe it or not, we went to high school together at the Louisiana School for Math, Science, and the Arts in Natchitoches, Louisiana, the same city that "Steel Magnolias" is set in, which was written by my friend Bobby Harling! (But you know how I hate to name drop! Speaking of name dropping, did I ever tell y'all the story about when Elton John invited me to his Oscar party? Oh, another time...)

Anyway, Miss Chad made a huge splash in New York City as a architectural lighting designer and then he pulled a Madonna and moved to London! (He even talks like her!)

We drove to Baton Rouge to walk the hallowed halls of our collegiate alma mater, and last year's national football champion (GEAUX TIGERS!), Louisiana State University! Chad attended LSU and I sometimes tried to. We had lunch at our old college hangout "The Chimes" with our dear friend Miss Heather who had the cutest little baby with her! I think it was hers, but I don't ask questions. I try to not know everybody's "business" if per chance the police should get involved at a later date. Let that be your New Year's Resolution and you'll find you spend a lot less time being interrogated. Take it from me, no amount of "acting" experience can fool certain detectives...

Heather's baby? Heather. Miss Chad.

Anyway, tonight I am going to a New Year's Eve party at the home of another college buddy, Miss Jamie. During college, Miss Chad, Miss Jamie and I all lived in this building in Baton Rouge with my good friend (which I will see next week in San Francisco) Miss Scotty Owens.

I wish I could tell you it used to be nicer.

Anyway, Happy New Year!!! And here's two more gratuitous pictures of Mrs Danvers that Miss Chad took with his fancy Japanese camera!

Mrs. Danvers.

The New Year has to be great with Mrs. Danvers by my side!

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Silence amongst the yams

2008-12-29T00:00:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

While in Los Angeles, I had Christmas dinner with my good friends Edema and Boniva, who work at the Home Depot on Sunset Boulevard in Hollywood. I met them several years ago when I was searching for a blow torch for a sculpture project that unfortunately ended in tragedy. I'll be able to talk more about that when the proceedings have concluded. But a word to the wise -- cantilevered steel should be properly grounded in public spaces.

Unfortunately Edema was furious that I brought my own "beverage" with me to the dinner party. I thought I was doing them a favor and just assume every party is a "Bring Your Own Beverage." I'm from New Orleans! We invented the "Go-Cup."

She wondered why I didn't bring a bottle of wine that everyone could enjoy and asked me to throw my cup away, because it "disrupted her table setting." I refused, mainly because I had put a pricey spirit in the cup, unbeknownst to them. I told them we could pass it around the table throughout the meal like Jesus did with the loaves of bread and the fish. "Hey! And maybe Jesus himself would make it a bottomless libation!" Edema didn't think that was a "swell" idea.

I never told them how much libation I had put in the cup, but I think they figured it out by the end of the meal. No one said a word during the entire dinner "party." My hiccups, however, spoke volumes.

My holiday spirit.

I may not be invited next year. Well, unless I get some more national television coverage that will make them want to be around me a little bit more. I really need my own TV show at this point so that I get all my friends back. Here's to the New Year!

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Varla's got the gift!

2008-12-27T00:00:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Coach?

2008-12-24T16:52:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

After I did our Sunday performance of "Scrooge In Rouge!" in New Orleans, I jetted off early Monday to New York to film a little commercial/public service announcement for LOGO, the gay television channel! Watch for it in January! Then Tuesday morning, I jetted off to Los Angeles for a "meeting" (yes, I'm being mysterious!).

Well, guess who was on my flight! No, not Whitney Houston. Colton Ford! The ex-porn star/singer! He was holding hands with a very attractive younger man and they both were wearing muscle shirts that I assume they got at Benjamin Moore. I thought the wardrobe choice was a little odd, because it was 6 degrees that morning in NYC, but of course I didn't complain!

Things may have shifted during flight.

Thank God I was incognito, because I was in COACH! (just this time, I swear...) But, to my delight, so was he! Yeah! That made me feel really good. Maybe all of us international chanteuses are on a budget this year. But, I was afraid if he saw me taking a picture he might think I was interested and make me go into the lavatory and "do a scene" with him. And, we all know I am saving myself for that special person(s), like the Jonas Brothers.

I must say he is very handsome, but the best part was watching him make faces at a little baby. He seemed very sweet, even though memories of him "making love" kept popping into my mind! I know, I'm a dirrrty lady!

Well, I wish all of you the Merriest of Christmases, even the Jewish people.

Don't worry about me,
VJ

M(i)LK

2008-12-22T00:00:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Harvey?

Yesterday, LaSwan (Lady Across the Streeet Without A Name) and I went to see the movie "MILK." She told me we were seeing a biopic about Martin Luther King, "MLK" but I guess she didn't see the "I," because it had absolutely nothing to do with African-American civil rights or Dr. King.

MILK does a movie good.

I was thrilled because it turns out it was about the gays and gay rights! I loved it! However, LaSwan left right after Harvey Milk picked up a cute guy on a subway platform. She said she liked the gays but didn't want to do extensive research on them. I kept telling her that maybe Martin Luther King would show up later in the film, but he never did. LaSwan said he was killed years before Harvey Milk and stormed out of the theater. WITH MY POPCORN. And, at one point I almost left, too, because when I was using the bathroom (for the fourth time) someone in the ladies room "spoiled" the ending of "MILK" for me. Thanks a lot, lady! So for the rest of the movie I sat there and waited for a tragedy. And, what a miserable tragedy it was. Truly.

The movie was great. And Josh Brolin made me stick to my seat, even if he was the bad guy. At first I thought I was sitting on a piece of gum, but...

He likes "older" women? Am I "older?"

I hate movie spoilers! It was like when I saw "The Sixth Sense" years ago and when someone was leaving they shouted, "You mean Bruce Willis was dead for the whole movie?" How dare they! Oh, wait. That was me who shouted that, and then people started throwing popcorn and Hot Tamales at me.

Spoiler Alert. He's dead, baby.

So then I went to see "The Others" with Nicole Kidman (I didn't go with her, she was in the movie) and all day long I "acted" like I was leaving the movie and I would say really loudly "You mean they were dead the entire time?" And, guess what? Every time, an angry mob threw more popcorn and Hot Tamales at me! Mission Accomplished. I love acting!

She's dead, too, baby.

I really didn't know the whole story of Harvey Milk. I thank Gus (Mr. Van Sant, for you civilians) for a truly great film. I am so inspired by Harvey Milk's life and sincerely moved by his accomplishments. GO SEE THE MOVIE! And keep the movement alive.

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Privacy please!

2008-12-20T00:00:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Mrs. Danvers in a recumbent posture.

Wistful morning on the edge of tears.

Oh! She was only acting! Like Mommy! But believable!

Mrs. Danvers looks like Don Knotts as Santa Claus!

Driving Mrs. Danvers. Through the Daiquiri Drive-Thru.

Mrs. Danvers meet my Mrs. Danvers.

Being John Malcovich, Varla-style! Timo did this! Isn't it strangely appealing?

Don't worry about me,
VJ

That's my meat!

2008-12-17T12:00:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Tuesday night we went out for LaSwan's (Lady Across the Street Without A Name) Birthday. This has been the seventh birthday I have spent with LaSwan and truth be told I look as forward to "12/16" as much as I do to "9/11." I even get the same "9/11" feeling when those numbers appear sequentially, like when I buy something and it comes to "$12.16" or if I am in room "1216" in a hotel. Like that chill you get when you are peeing and you think someone is watching. And then you see that they are a teensy bit attractive so you try to do it a little sexier. But still, it makes you shudder for a second.

See, LaSwan takes her birthday and the regrets associated with the "passing of youth" very personally, as to where I completely could care less. And besides, I have given her the name of my "dermatologist" every single morning that I have seen her for the past seven years. I take care of myself! Like I say, "My body is my temple! Come inside and worship!"

And, I put beer in the batter!

This impending sense of doom causes me not to not want to go to "The Texas Roadhouse" and drink beer and shill peanuts and celebrate LaSwan's birthday even though the lovely people at the "Roadhouse" let me choose the exact steak I wanted. That part was fun! It's like being a judge at a beauty pageant, but being able to eat the girl after she wins.

Anyhoo, birthdays can be difficult. Holidays can be worse. Put those two things in close proximity and you get trouble. But nothing can help you "Forget your troubles! Come on Get happy!" like a big piece of meat that you selected like a Mayan priest at a virgin sacrifice and a "blooming onion." Add a couple of margaritas and a good time is had by all!

Pick your own meat!

I actually find being alone on the holidays can be more enjoyable, especially if you starve yourself while you know the rest of the world is pigging out. It feels like you are getting double points. Cause you know those skinny people will let their guard down and scarf down a pie or something. It's the one chance you can catch up.

Or if you go visit your "dermatologist" to have a teeny tiny bit of Botox before the holidays, getting your face ready for LA pilot season, and you get a beauty bruise, or twelve, because you drank heavily the night before they shot that botulism in your face, and because the hooch thinned your blood it oozed giant purple splotches across your forehead, it allows you to recover from the bruises in peace. Well, that's what I've heard.

Madonna with beauty bruise.

Anyhoo, thank god "12/16" has passed, and without incident! It was fun this year. Sort of. I would swear "12/16" was the longest day of the year, but scientifically it technically isn't. Dinner conversation centered around living wills, capping out our health insurance with terminal illnesses, and where we want our ashes spread. LaSwan wants her ashes spread on Tahiti even though she has never even been there, nor could she locate it on a map. I told her that I had some parts of my body spread there once during an RSVP Vacation and proceeded to tell my "Island Boy" story, but LaSwan told me to go "make love" to myself and that she couldn't wait to pull the plug on me if the occasion ever came up.

You do the honors.

At least I know my living will is going to be honored.

Don't worry about me!
VJ

Tub of Love

2008-12-15T00:00:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

I have been so pleased to get so many comments on my "Soiled Toilets," the art-installation/smile-inducer that I displayed in front of my New Orleans' home! My neighbor LaSwan (Lady Across the Street Without A Name) said that she had never seen anything like it in the thirty years she has lived in our Marigny neighborhood! And, that my spectacle brought our "hood" to a new level!

So, I decided to surprise LaSwan with an early Christmas present, with my second in a series I call "Bathroom Surprises!"

Imagine how surprised she'll be when she wakes up today and sees this!

Mrs. Danvers waters the flowers.

I'm gonna let you in on a secret! The poinsettias are FAKE! Gotcha!

That way, after Christmas she can just pull them out and not lose the integrity of the display! Imagine every holiday being able to embellish the "work" with different seasonal flowers! (I also painted the lower half of her house Holly-Berry Red, over that boring beige, to bring out the red in the flowers! That could also be adjusted seasonally, but it is a little time-consuming. That's why I only painted the bottom half of the house. But, LaSwan doesn't have to know that I got tired. I'm calling it a "choice!" And anyway, "red and beige" reminds me of the Boy Scouts! And a troupe of Boy Scouts makes me think of, uh, never mind.

As you can see, Mrs. Danvers loves my latest objet, too! We are just alike! Although, I had to scold her for mistaking the bathtub for a toilet. But, I couldn't punish her because she has seen me make the same mistake a dozen times. And besides, I suppose it will be great fertilizer for the poinsettias.

As I said, Mrs Danvers and I like the same things. But, with this I had to draw the line. Press "PLAY" and see.

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Beyoncé on a budget

2008-12-13T00:00:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

I am! I am like Beyoncé...on a budget! I've been jetting around the world promoting something I truly believe in...myself!

On Wednesday, I hopped on a jet and flew to Georgia to promote the Atlanta run of "Shut Up, Sweet Charlotte!" I did a couple of holiday numbers for the crowd over at Blake's and had a sensational time with my fabulous producers from Reaction Marketing! Oh, and I love those Atlanta boys!

I even posed for photos in the men's room! (Not the first time.) Well, it had the best lighting for cell phone cameras! I sat on the toilet with the door wide opened and shouted out to the passers-by, "'Come into my web,' said the spider to the fly!" And they did!

Me in my "gay apparel" in the mens' room.

One word of warning to any other international chanteuses on Atlanta press junkets... DO NOT MENTION THE "ATLANTA HOUSEWIVES!" When I did, they BOOED! I guess it's like going to Germany and giving a "shout-out" to The Third Reich. Oopsie-daisy!

Pretty. But unsettling.

The next morning, I climbed out of the men's room and jetted back to New Orleans where it was SNOWING! I tried to enjoy the beauty of the falling flakes as I kept scratching that "itching reminder" that the end of the world is obviously right around the corner. And that I need some Tinactin. Anyhoo, let's hope it happens after my Atlanta theatrical debut, or all this traveling will be for nothing!

Opal's Famous Recurrent Wardrobe Malfunction

Later that night I hosted the opening party at a new club opening in New Orleans...Chateau de Moanet Voila! The owners were such sweet dolls! And, let momma tell you, the food was DELICIOUS! And it's open all day way into the night!

The party was INSANE!

Now, I have seen a lot of things in my "day," but how many times in one night do I see:

1. Gorgeous 200 lbs. black men with huge pendulous exposed breasts. (Like Opal, see photo above)

2. Real ladies using their "woo's" to hold themselves upside down on stripper poles.

3. A scantily-clad lady floating in a clear plexi-glass ice bucket behind the bar.

And, the piece de resistance...
4. A rock group "Kiss" tribute band comprised of four little people. (i.e. midgets)

Big stars "Mini Kiss"

LaSwan (Lady Across the Street Without A Name) and I got in huge fight because I hired her to assist me and she forgot to pack my jingle bells. I put everything in a pile and she just left them out! And my "Jingle Bells" showstopper isn't without the jingle bells.

She screamed "Don't get all Miss Ross on me! I ain't your Gayle!" I pointed out that she was mixing analogies, and that she should have said "Don't get all Oprah on me! I ain't your Gayle!" But LaSwan thought that had an entirely different "meaning" and told me to put my jingle bells in a "special place."

Then she proceeded to "celebrate" with my drink tickets and last I saw her she was harassing Opal, trying to find out if she had a penis.

Ah! Just another week in the life of an international chanteuse.

Performing in "Scrooge In Rouge!" tonight!

Oh, and here's that "Jingle Bells" number with the jingle bells, LaSwan!

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Voting Republican

2008-12-10T00:00:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

I had to vote for a Republican this past weekend! I know! "In what election?" many of you are probably asking. Well, in New Orleans, we do everything a little after everyone else. Everything.

So, we just had our 2nd District Congressional Representative election. And, the incumbent, (that word always makes me think of cucumbers!), Mr. William Jefferson, a democrat, was indicted recently for bribery and stuff, which is apparently now against the law. People have been taking bribes forever here in Louisiana, so I just assumed they weren't punishing people for it anymore, kind of like jay-walking or not cleaning up after your dog. (I always pick up Mrs. Danvers' little piles, well, at least I "act" like I am. Well, I am an actress!)

Mrs. Danvers weathers the political storm.

Anyhoo, the FBI found $90,000 worth of alleged bribe money in Rep. William Jefferson's freezer.

So, as you see, I couldn't vote for anyone who would keep money in the freezer, because I believe that is poor judgement. The freezer should only be used for ice cream and poppers. Jalapeno poppers.

Holy Cao!

Anyhoo, the only other person to vote for that didn't seem like a crazy person was a Republican, named Ahn "Joseph" Cao! (Rhymes with "wow.") I've never voted Republican. Or Vietnamese, for that matter. But, this time I killed two birds with one stone. (Ooh. I hate that phrase. I love birds. Though I do wear feathers all the time. Oh God? Do you think they kill the birds for the feathers like fur? I've never thought about that! I'm not wearing them anymore. After next week.)

Anyhoo, now New Orleans, an extremely democratic city, actually elected the Republican. And, he is the very first Vietnamese Congressman! In the United States, y'all! From Louisiana? I thought "we" (meaning my neighbors) were racist!

Our Governor, Bobby Jindal

And not only that, Louisiana has the first Indian Governor! Not American-Indian, but the other kind! (What do you call them? Just Indian? Jeez Marie! I'm getting a headache. And my neighbors, you know, the racists, have formed a band and they are practicing now. I want to complain, but I'm not going to because I think they really need the practice. Bad.) What was I saying?

Ugh! I hate writing about politics! I can't focus on that stuff. And now for some reason, I'm craving cucumbers, spring rolls, and chicken tikka marsala.

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Magna Puella!

2008-12-08T09:59:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Last night, my dear friend, Timo, came to see me in "Scrooge In Rouge!" here in New Orleans with his adorable husband, Phillip. As some of you may know, Timo and I attended (and I use that word loosely) Louisiana State University together. He followed me home after a Latin class we shared some 21 years ago. Hic! Haec! Hoc! He called me his "magna puella."

Phillip, me, and Timo. Unfortunately, Timo asked me for an aspirin before the show and I "accidentally" gave him an Ambien.

But, it was because of him that I started performing and making videos! Hey! Not those kind! Well, just one... We were doing this in 1988! This was way before home computers and so he edited everything on two common VCR decks that he "borrowed" from his neighbor.

Timo relaxing at home with Uhura

Anyhoo, I thought I would post one of me and Timo's very first videos from the 80s! The production is a little "primitive" but you get the idea. It is to Dolly Parton's "Coat of Many Colors." I will warn you that the ending involves school violence. That really shows you how long I have been doing this...I was making videos so long ago that school violence was actually considered "funny."

And, yes, that is me playing both mother and daughter. Even back then, I was over-challenging myself!

Timo and Mrs. Danvers. Timo was harder to train.

Don't worry about me,
VJ

My mind is on Georgia!

2008-12-06T07:18:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

First the Russians invaded Georgia, and now me!

Ricky Graham and me, uh, I. It's us.

Do you live in Atlanta? Do you know anyone in Atlanta, including those darling housewife ladies? Forward this invite to them, or to your friends! Heck! Send this one to your enemies, too!

I will be there, in Atlanta, at Blake's on the Park, on Wednesday night, December 10th, for a press event to announce my Georgian debut--the run of "SHUT UP! SWEET CHARLOTTE!" Come have cocktails and celebrate me!

I have never done a show in Atlanta, although I did "perform" at an intimate party at the Days Inn by the airport once on an overnight layover. Whatever happened to that sweet, furry AirTran steward? If you're out there, come to the party! And, bring more people!

Anyhoo, if you know people in the land of peaches, tell them to check the invite below and RSVP by emailing "tperez@reactionmarketing.net" as soon as they can!

Don't be tardy for the party! BTW, does anyone know Ne-Ne? Get that gal on the guest list! (Hey, Ne-Ne! We can invite Sheree and then "forget" to put her name at the door! Tee-hee, Ne-Ne! Oui! Oui!)

Some of you with better things to do with your time may have no idea what all that was about...so, back to the plot!

"Charlotte" is a hoot and a half! And, I have a "topless" scene. That's right! I'm pullin' out the big guns!

And, see? Reading my blog comes with benefits!

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Scrooge In Rouge!

2008-12-03T00:00:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

My vacation is officially over! This Friday, I am "back on the boards" as we say in the business with "Scrooge In Rouge!" And unlike my solo shows, I "share" the stage with other people. It can be annoying, but I am trying to act like I see them sometimes on stage, and every now and then I even look them right in the eyes...a sign of a professional actress.

"Sharing" the stage with me are the fabulous Mr. Ricky Graham and Ms. Yvette Hargis, two amazing actors from New Orleans, and our fantastic composer and pianist, Mr. Jefferson Turner. They look me in the eyes a lot on stage, which can sometimes be a little creepy. But, obviously they are just trying to be professionals, too.

Here is a scene from "Scrooge In Rouge!" featuring Jefferson on piano, Ricky as the "Ghost of Christmas Past," Yvette as "Scrooge," and yours truly as Scrooge's little sister, "Fan."

Both Ricky and Yvette will be touring with me to Atlanta, where we will perform a send-up of "Hush, Hush Sweet Charlotte" called "Shut Up! Sweet Charlotte!" (Check my website tour schedule for details!) The show was adapted by me and the amazing Matthew Martin, who originally played the Bette Davis part when we did a prior version in San Francisco years ago. I, of course, play the Olivia de Havilland role, which was originally supposed to be played by Joan Crawford in the movie, but she quit because of back problems(i.e. Bette Davis) and surrendered the role to Olivia.

BTW, Matthew and I will be doing a movie version of "Whatever Happened To Baby Jane" produced by Billy Clift in which Matthew will once again take on the Bette part and I will assume the Joan Crawford role. I know what you're saying...that I'm much too feminine to play Crawford. True, but I have a lot of experience trying to "act" butch. Lots.

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Stoop to a new low

2008-12-02T00:00:00.001-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Last night, LaSwan (Lady Across the Street Without A Name) and I had a glass of wine on her front stoop. Well, as you ladies know, put a few bottles of wine into two single gals and you know where it leads to! Sex! Not physical sex...LaSwan's not interested. We talked about sex, right there on the stoop! It was very "Sex in the City" meets "227."

LaSwan confided in me, on the sole condition that I didn't breathe a word to anyone, that she has been making love to the garbage man for weeks! But, he has to perform quickly so that he can catch up with the truck at the end of the block. This has led to a little dissatisfaction for LaSwan. In fact, she only gave it a "2" out of "5" on her love-making satisfaction scale. I, of course, wanted to know the qualifications for each rating in her scale.

LaSwan's Lovin' Rating Scale

Lovin' so bad...
Hair doesn't move.

Lovin' so-so...
Hair requires slight
adjustment.

Lovin' not bad...
Hair shifts
during flight.

And you end up looking
like Rihanna.

Good lovin'!
Hair comes
off head.

Hot-damn lovin'!
Wig KNOCKED off. Can't find wig after. You don't even care!

Of course, LaSwan's rating system doesn't work for me because it doesn't take into account my all-natural tawny auburn locks.

Here's the same scale, but for those of you who have busy lives like me and don't have time to scroll.

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Nobody's Secretary!

2008-12-01T08:14:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

"As long as I don't have to get your dry cleaning..."

Well, I can't believe it. Hillary Clinton accepted President Elect Obama's offer to be his secretary of state.

Why would Hillary agree to be anyone's secretary? I think this sets the women's movement back at least thirty years. A woman as qualified as she is should not be taking dictation and getting someone's coffee, even if it is the President of the United States.

And speaking of coffee, LaSwan (Lady Across the Street Without A Name) keeps telling me that Obama definitely has a little cream in his.

Poor Hillary. She even accepted the job and they didn't even tell her which state she'll be the secretary of! God! Is she that desperate for a job? What if they ship her off to North Dakota, or something. That would make the Republicans happy, that's for sure. She should be in Washington!

I thought we were going to see "change." Not a remake of "Nine to Five."

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Babs Manilow

2008-11-30T07:44:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

And if you couldn't play that...

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Tastes like leather

2008-11-29T00:00:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

What a Thanksgiving! Because I tragically lost my family years ago due to my actions, I had dinner at LaSwan's house (Lady Across the Street Without A Name) and oh, boy! It will be a night we will not soon forget, if I can ever remember it. Thank God for my cell phone camera! See, I'm still giving thanks!

All I know for sure is that this lady ate up that Hungry Man -- Swanson's Hungry Man TV dinner which included, but did not exceed, Turkey and limited "fixins." I must say the best part was the gallon of "Egg Nog Daiquiris" I picked up for the occasion. Drive-thru! Yes, you can still go to a drive-thru and order a drink in New Orleans. Proud to call it home!

Mrs. Danvers, Post "Lady" Surgery (two weeks ago)

Speaking of leather, while I was chewing on my piece, Mrs. Danvers, my spiritual guide and loyal Boston Terrier, was chewing on a piece of leather of her own. Well, it wasn't hers. It actually belonged to LaSwan.

LaSwan's Chair/Mrs Danvers' Dinner

Notice how LaSwan's chair now has a "tongue." "A chair with a tongue! Now that's my kind of seat!" I squealed, trying to change the mood as I pointed it out to LaSwan. LaSwan has never been a fan of my "brand" of "humor," and after she vocally and physically reminded me of that, I decided (with LaSwan's help) that it was time to go home.

I explained to LaSwan that Mrs. Danvers had just had her "tubes tied" two weeks ago and wasn't "herself." LaSwan said she had her own "tubes tied" in 1973 and she still hasn't destroyed anybody's furniture. She even punctuated her sentences with passionate expletives. Everyone reacts differently, I suppose...to having their "tubes tied," not to my humor...everyone loves that! Even LaSwan, deep down inside. She'll come around with a few more nights like tonight!

Anyhoo, having been filled with the holiday spirit, and a gallon of egg nog daiquiris, Mrs. Danvers and I went home and continued the festivities until she used her teeth to let me know she'd had enough.

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Something's growing in the toilet

2008-11-26T00:00:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Well, it's official! New Orleans has the highest crime rate in the country! But, as me and Heather Locklear will tell you, besides that we're fine to drive, is that any publicity is good publicity! See! I found a "silver lining" on the rape-robbery-aggravated assault-burglary-theft cloud hovering over my hometown. It's an adventure here! Kind of like Iraq, but with drink specials. There I go again, with the lining...

Now some of you may not be shocked that I, Varla Jean Merman, live in the most crime infested city in the land. In fact, "some" of you may think there might even be a correlation. But I am a good person, mostly. And that one time when I discovered that I accidentally took several bags of roasted almonds and eight Duffy CD's while leaning against the back of the cash register at Starbuck's, I went right back there and returned the all of the CD's.

Mrs. Danvers

So, to help me deny the fact that I live in a depressed, decaying urban wasteland riddled with violence and corruption, I try to fill each day with a lil' bit-o-beauty! Like today! I ventured into my courtyard to let Mrs. Danvers "water" the lawn, and what did I see? Four broken down toilets I threw back there after Katrina. Well, at first I saw four toilets. But, with a little grunt work, I saw four pots. Pots of gold!

Soiled Toilets on Rampart Street

You should have seen the neighbors' faces when I put my soiled toilets in front of the house. LaSwan (Lady Across the Street Without A Name) said she has never, ever seen such a display in the thirty years she has lived on the block. And now, "watering" the flowers has never been so much fun! But beware! The snap dragons may tickle your whiskers! These commodes are certain to wipe away your troubles!

Hey! And, here's yet another lil' bit-o-beauty! On Monday, I wrote how my friend and soprano Nell Snaidas helped Alicia Keys with the arrangement of Kathleen Battle's part in Ms. Keys' performance of "Superwoman" at the American Music Awards. But not only is she an arranger to the stars, she is also an amazing singer!

Well, here is Miss Nell and I singing the famous Flower Duet from Delibes' opera Lakmé! You may recognize it as the theme from the British Airways commercials if you are a world traveler. Or, if you are a lesbian, you may recognize it as the love theme from the movie "The Hunger." Enjoy, Lesbians!

Don't worry about me,
VJ

Six bottles of red

2008-11-24T06:45:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentleman!

I don't mean to shock any of you or spoil the illusion of my bon vivant lifestyle, but last night I stayed home and didn't drink! Instead, I curled up in front of the television with a couple of bottles of wine and watched the American Music Awards! Well, I watched the "performances." I TIVO the whole thing and skip the awards and speeches. Please! The whole thing is "framed," just like the Presidential Election. Ooopsie Daisy! I can't use that excuse anymore, I guess. That's so four years ago...

Oh, and I don't have TIVO, cause I rarely watch TV, unless I'm on it. And, that is rare. I actually watched the show at LaSwan's house. (LaSwan is my name for "Lady Across the Street Without A Name." She told me her name, like, eight years ago, when I moved in. But, I didn't "process" it, and now eight years later, it really is too late to ask her again.)

Chanteuse Christina Auguleriueriaeria

Highlights? Chunky, at best. Christina Auguleriueriaeria opened the show with a "medley," that was at least two glasses of wine long! At least! I also noticed that she must have finally felt the pressure of aghast fashionista's who had accused her of "procuring" Lady Gaga's "look." (Believe me, when Ann-Margret accused me of "stealing" her look, I denied it, although being caught red-handed in her Beverly Hills home with her red wig in my hand didn't help. Non je ne regrette rien!)

The Landers Sisters • Judy and Audrey

Alicia Keys looked so beautiful accepting her awards, although I did think it was odd that she carried her handbag to the stage with her EVERY SINGLE TIME. But, then I noticed she was sitting next to Queen Latifah, and believe me, I wouldn't leave my handbag with her either. She's a tough girl! One of those kind that don't carry a handbag, even. But she's not as tough as her "lady bodyguard" who accompanies her. I saw the two of them dining at a Houston's restaurant in Century City last year and you should have seen the look the "bodyguard" gave me when I jumped up to finish their spinach artichoke dip. They were leaving, so I thought, but it turns out they were only going to the powder room, even though I don't think either of them had a handbag, much less powder.

Ludacris and Kanye West

Kanye West took his award with his ususual bravado. I know this is terrible, but every time I see him I want to hug him. Really, really, hard. I just sense he is headed for a bit of a "let down" in life. Let's all pray that it happens soon, so he can get over it quickly. He seemed a bit perturbed last night that people didn't think his generation (is that still my generation?) could be compared to the musical icons of the past and even walked off stage touting himself as the "new Elvis." Well, let's give the boy a chance! You never know, maybe one day, when people are asked to list the greatest rock songs of all time, they will respond confidently "Stairway to Heaven," "Let It Be," "Purple Haze," and "She a Goldigger, But She Ain't Playin' With No Broke Ni**er."

Mariah Carey and her biggest fan

Mariah Carey can never be accused of stealing anyone's "look." She has stuck by hers through think and thin! I do love to see her perform because there is something so moving in her entrances. She always enters looking catatonic until she hits her mark for her "hair fan" and suddenly comes alive. It's almost as exciting as the end of the movie "Awakenings," when Robin Williams administers that drug to Robert DeNiro. I swear they have the same exact look of comfort and joy! Viva Vornado!

Beyoncé's alibi, Sasha Fierce

I love Beyoncé, but I have seen that "All the Single Ladies" one too many times this week. It's soon to be on my list of "Things I Hope I Never See Again, " right in between "1. Faye Dunaway doing the wire hanger scene," and "3. Skinny white boys in drag lip-synching Jennifer Holliday's And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going..."

Did anybody notice when Melody from The Pussycat Dolls couldn't get her jacket off during their number? BTW, the only reason I know her name is because it was written on her podium, right underneath her stripper pole. That's the truth. The camera unmercifully stayed on her, struggling the entire time. And, to make herself seem "human" rather that "professional," she even screamed to the girl next to her, "I can't get it off!" Oopsie. I guess there's another season of "Search For The Next Doll...with smaller wrists" on the horizon.

Kathleen Battle

Lastly...Jeez Louise! This blog is almost as long as the show...Alicia Keys decided to end the show by singing "Superwoman" with Queen Latifah. That's one good way to keep an eye on her her. But then, as a "surprise" guest, opera icon Kathleen Battle suddenly appeared to sing a coloratura descant over the whole thing. Yes, you read that right. And, I bet no one was as "surprised" as Miss Battle. I was "surprised" and I even knew about it beforehand! My friend Nell Snaidas wrote the descant for Miss Battle upon the request of Alicia Keys! In fact, in my next blog, I will include a clip of Nell and I singing at "Classical Varla," my annual benefit in Provincetown! But it was Queen Latifah who "acted" the most "surprised." Every time Miss Battle sang a note, they cut to a close-up of Queen Latifah miming, "WHOAH!" I know from experience, that sometimes it's hard to stop "acting" even when someone else has taken center stage. Or taken a bite of your spinach artichoke dip.

Too bad they didn't wheel out Deborah Voight in a tiny black dress for Christina's "Dirrty" number, or Monsterrat Caballe for Beyonce's "All The Single Ladies." Oh, wait. Freddie Mercury did drag her out a long time ago. Well, see, everyone old is new again!

Freddie Mercury and Montserrat Caballé

Oh, and BTW. I'm "available" to be dragged out for any, and I mean "any," occasion.

Don't worry about me,
VJ

"Working!"

2008-11-22T10:00:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Anyhoo, not much is going on here in New Orleans, except I did go to a doctor yesterday and have all the nodules and polyps scraped off of my vocal chords again. "It's just like shootin' squirrels off some power lines," the doctor said to me, laser in hand. I'm not sure if that is a metaphor, simile, or analogy, but who cares! A doctor without some humor and catchy "one-liners" is like Mr. Bean -- too physical, painful, and something I don't want going down my throat. Sorry, Rowan. (He is a colleague, but my blog is my "safe-place.")

While the doctor was picking off my "squirrels" one by one, I had all of the other growths scraped off my other delicate folds of skin. Well, the folds aren't so "delicate" anymore. In fact, "someone" might say they resemble the underwater part of a pier piling. But, I'm not dating that offshoreman anymore. Well, not for a while. Not to be crabby, but one of us was. Otherwise, it's been just another ho-hum day in the life of this "working" singer/actress, except now my voice is up-and-at-em and ready to be sent back to the firing line.

Studs Terkel

Speaking of breakouts and working, that reminds me of Studs Terkel. Not only was he the "breakout character" on the hit sitcom "Family Matters," but it turns out he was also a Pulitzer Prize winner for "Working." I'm not surprised because he always seemed book-smart on the show. And if you haven't heard this yet, I'm sorry, but you're GONNA find out, whether it be from me or Perez Hilton or The NewsHour with Jim Lehrer. He passed away at only 96 "years young" this month. I had no idea he was that "young," but as my friend said the last time we saw Diahann Caroll looking ageless at a PayLess Shoe Source, "Black Don't Crack!" (Grammar is my pet peeve, so I corrected my friend and started angrily shouting repeatedly "Black DOES NOT Crack! Black DOES NOT Crack!," but, Diahann heard me, and let me tell you, when she turned around and saw me furiously waving a size 12 pair of strappy sandals, her face suddenly "cracked." I actually heard it. It was almost the same sound you hear when you have "someone" crack the scar tissue that has built up around your implant. But "someone's" back on the oil rig again, and who knows when he'll back ashore.

Well, Diahann ran out of there quicker than I did, but the security sensor didn't go off for her, and they let her keep going. Thanks to racial profiling, the same could not be said for me. I told the security officer that my "friend" would vouch that I was just chasing Diahann Carroll for grammatical reasons, but he said I was in the store by myself, and he could "prove" it with the security camera. I knew already that my "friend" wouldn't appear on the tape, because my "friend" is very camera shy, and she really knows how to avoid the lens...something that I have been trying to do for years.

Diahann (pronounced "Dee•uh•HAWN"*) Caroll

* I used •uh• in the above pronunciation, even though it should be a •schwa• but I can't seem to find the "schwa" button on my keyboard, and I've been looking since Wednesday. Some of my keyboard buttons have stuff stuck to them and I can't see what they are. Fah-HEE-tah. (Speaking of phonetical stuff, that's how you say fajita! I saw that at The Taco Bell written out next to the word on the menu. Try saying it phonetically! Fah-HEE-tah! It's so much more fun. That's how ABBA did every song BTW!)

Anyway, Studs Terkel looked great for 96, even though he obviously had Vitiligo, that Michael Jackson skin disease, cause he died as white as a ghost. But then again Gary Coleman and Emanuel Lewis (disease free, by my knowledge) were like 30 years young, or something, when they were supposed to be children on television. And Stockard Channing was already way past her "lady problem" when she played a high school girl in the movie "Grease." And, the same for Diana Ross in the movie version of "The Wiz," although she still has problems, just not the "lady problem." But now, times have changed, and the industry has the nerve to become age-appropriate! Now, I am being edged out of ingenue roles by my peers, like Dakota Fanning and that Hannah Montana. Jeez Louise! Maybe if I named myself "Nebraska Idaho" I could get some work! Not that I'm not "working"...

Gary Coleman • Emanuel Lewis • Stockard Channing • Diana Ross

So, while I was loitering in the New Orleans Public Library yesterday after settling with my vocal doctor, I picked up a tattered copy of "Working" and read the cover, before putting it back down. And it made me think. People like me talk about what they do all day and how I feel about what I do. But does it matter? Does a blog of a "working" actress matter? It does. But I suppose you don't have to be a ACJF (arm-chair Jessica Fletcher) to realize I must not be "working" that much, because how would I have time to create these intricate, thought provoking essays every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday. Well, it's more than obvious looking at the "venues" I am performing at, correction, at which I am performing, that I do need money. Money to try and pay for those 7 houses I bought three years ago that I haven't been able to "turnover," as we say in the business of real estate turnovering.

Turnover

Back to the BLOG! (Sorry, I had to eat.) Anyhoo, I haven't quite figured out how to parlay these hour-long exhausting sessions on my computer in my bedroom into money. Let me clarify. Not all of them. I just hope someone is keeping track of the dozens of people that are reading this, because I want to make the big bucks and follow in the footsteps of my "colleague," Perez Hilton.

Studs Terkel

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of copying.

Don't worry about me,
VJ

My baby!

2008-11-17T21:28:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

After trying my hand at motherhood in 1992, I quickly realized that sometimes a lady has to make choices. I obviously had to follow my dream of becoming a regional celebrity, and so a few of my "responsibilities" fell to the wayside. Thank goodness for Child Services and Family Court for relieving me of some of my burdens and helping me get closer to my dream.

And that's one thing I want you to take home with you today (unless you are already reading this at home.) Don't ever let anything stop you from achieving your dream. I mean nothing. And if you are reading this at home because you have a "career" like me and don't have to go to one of those big buildings with the typewriters and cubicles and stuff, I give you your props! Isn't life great!

But who knew that years later, I would once again get that same itch. Not the kind you get from a toilet seat in my house, or even the kind you get from being the perfect "host," but the kind of itch that creeps up inside you like an inebriated frat boy on a silly dare. Motherhood. Unfortunately (for me at least) I was sterilized here in Louisiana after committing a minor traffic offense. Anyhoo, I have never been one for adoption, well, because Jeez Louise! I felt like my very own daughter was a stranger in my house...Can you imagine if I had a real stranger taking up space, eating my pudding cups, and speaking some crazy language? (If my daughter, Velveeta, is reading this blog, just let me know if mentioning you breaks any of our "rules.")

But that's when I found her! The most beautiful Boston Terrier in all the land! It's amazing when something comes into your life and momentarily makes you care about other creatures. And I didn't have to be pelted with flour to realize that! Her name is Mrs. Danvers, which is also the name of my favorite character in the movie "Rebecca." I named her that, not only because she often whispers in my ear and tries to convince me to throw myself off of cliffs, but because she also bears a striking resemblance to Dame Judith Anderson who played the part in the movie...you know, dressed in all black with a collar, and eyes on the sides of her head that seem to glare "I don't want to live here with you!"

Mrs. Danvers Mrs. Danvers

Uncanny! So here a few photos of my darling Mrs Danvers from the past six months! Enjoy!

One Month Old

Two Months Old

Three Months Old

Four Months Old

Five Months Old

She's the submissive one. I really don't know where she learned that.

Six Months Old

Dinner Time! No, Danny! I won't forget to pick you up a

Double with Cheese and a Biggie Fry!

She's just like her mother, I swear!

And lastly, here is a cell phone video of the first time I ever sang to her when she was only two months old! Turn up your volume! You can just imagine how she feels knowing that I will serenade her incessantly for the rest of her entire life. And even though it "appears" as if she is lunging at my throat at the end of the video, she actually enjoys my 3 hour daily warm-ups...

Don't worry about me,

I'm not a black jogger!

2008-11-16T16:15:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Blog? What’s a BLOG? I always thought it was an amalgam for something like…a blind frog…or a bloody flog…or a bloated hog. Well, Rosie O’Donnell! You have one! And, now, so do I!

Suddenly, after trying to get it together for 8 years, I, too, will join the ranks of millions of other famous and ordinary people who believe their daily lives are more interesting and worthy of being chronicled than those of busy people!

Varla Jean Merman is a blogger! (Not a black jogger. Although, they do have a certain appeal!)

Anyhoo, last night I was a headliner at a huge party, here, in New Orleans for the 120 year anniversary of Louisiana’s oldest animal shelter—a benefit for the LA/SPCA called “The Great Catsby: A Roaring 20’s Tribute!” And, no, my little “commentors,” that is not a misprint! The Great Catsby instead of "The Great Gatsby!" Because it is an animal shelter! With cats! (And dogs, but I guess tonight they were only raising money for the cats. Maybe cause felines gets AIDS and dogs don't. I don't know, really.)

Well, supposedly, "The Great Gatsby" was a movie or something about the 20s, starring Mira Sorvino. Or, was it Marisa Tomei? Well, one of those girls that accidentally got an Oscar. God, I hope I accidentally get one for “Girls Will Be Girls.” Every year I hope I am nominated for it, but every year I go back to bed in tears after not hearing my name read with the other nominees that morning. Being an actress can be so awful, but it’s hard to explain to you civilians. Back to the party…

Now, even though I rarely wear costumes, I decided to put my finest 1920’s gown on for my entrance on the red carpet (which was slightly soiled because of the parade of cats and dogs that entered before me. “It wasn’t me!”, I shouted to the crowd of paparazzi and fans, further proving that my wit isn’t confined to the stage. And, most importantly, it really wasn’t me that soiled the red carpet this time. My dress, on the other hand, was a different story.)

Wowie! What a star-bedazzled event! Besides myself, Bryan Batt, a New Orleans native and star of the hit TV show “Mad Men” was there. Oh, and thank you, Bryan, for letting me know that my gown was actually more 1930s than 1920s! He immediately recognized it as a “not so subtle” copy of Rosalind Russell’s gown in the 1939 movie “The Women” where she snoops in Joan Crawford’s bathroom.

Believe it or not, I knew that it was a 1930s gown already, but I “acted” like I didn’t, hoping that it wouldn’t kill my chances of him getting me a walk-on role as a secretary or lady copy-writer on “Mad Men.” But, being an actor, Bryan could immediately see that I was “acting,” so I tried using my other talent, “lying.” I told him that I thought fashions of the 1920s wouldn’t make it to Louisiana until the 1930s. Bryan didn’t buy my excuse. And fooling a gay is just about as easy as trying to marry one in 48 states. Just try pulling the cashmere over their eyes! And, now I probably won’t be on “Mad Men.” (Unless you write them and tell them that you think I should be. Bloggers Unite!)

Besides Bryan Batt, New Orleans resident, funny lady, and movie and television star, Jennifer Coolidge was there! My, I almost thought I was describing myself! She even talked to me without accusing me of not being dressed in the correct period. She asked me where the bar was! I said I didn’t know. But, being an actor, Jennifer could immediately smell that I was “acting.”

After I showed her to the bar, I put on my costume for my big performance -- a “layered” tribute to Josephine Baker! I tell the story of her life in dance, from the daughter of an Arkansas orphan, to hoochie dancer, to a leader of the Jewish Underground Railroad in France during WWII, all to the tune of the disco hit "Le Freak."

But, even with the promise of such a show-stopper, for some reason, I never made it onto the stage. And, what’s worse is that no one ever tried to find me. I come from the school where they remind you a few dozen times that you have to go on and then fire you. So, I never went on. Or, maybe they thought my choreographic references symbolizing the harboring of Jews in WWII would bring down the festive mood. Or, maybe it was because I wasn't wearing any panties. Well, Bryan Batt told me that "La Baker" didn't wear them, so I thought I might score points with him if I slipped them off publicly by the chocolate fountain. Well, my performance was for charity, so I guess they got what they paid for, I suppose.

Later, I did end up doing the banana dance, to the delight of one patron, although it didn’t really have the same “excitement” when performed shotgun in his Ford Explorer as he gave me a ride home. And, as I vividly remember, he WAS NOT Jewish. But, that accessory can provide some excitement of it's own...

Oh, I heard if they ran out of goody-bags it is perfectly okay to take home the centerpieces.

Don't worry about me,
VJ