Monday, November 17, 2008

My baby!

Ladies and Gentlemen!

After trying my hand at motherhood in 1992, I quickly realized that sometimes a lady has to make choices. I obviously had to follow my dream of becoming a regional celebrity, and so a few of my "responsibilities" fell to the wayside. Thank goodness for Child Services and Family Court for relieving me of some of my burdens and helping me get closer to my dream.

And that's one thing I want you to take home with you today (unless you are already reading this at home.) Don't ever let anything stop you from achieving your dream. I mean nothing. And if you are reading this at home because you have a "career" like me and don't have to go to one of those big buildings with the typewriters and cubicles and stuff, I give you your props! Isn't life great!

But who knew that years later, I would once again get that same itch. Not the kind you get from a toilet seat in my house, or even the kind you get from being the perfect "host," but the kind of itch that creeps up inside you like an inebriated frat boy on a silly dare. Motherhood. Unfortunately (for me at least) I was sterilized here in Louisiana after committing a minor traffic offense. Anyhoo, I have never been one for adoption, well, because Jeez Louise! I felt like my very own daughter was a stranger in my house...Can you imagine if I had a real stranger taking up space, eating my pudding cups, and speaking some crazy language? (If my daughter, Velveeta, is reading this blog, just let me know if mentioning you breaks any of our "rules.")

But that's when I found her! The most beautiful Boston Terrier in all the land! It's amazing when something comes into your life and momentarily makes you care about other creatures. And I didn't have to be pelted with flour to realize that! Her name is Mrs. Danvers, which is also the name of my favorite character in the movie "Rebecca." I named her that, not only because she often whispers in my ear and tries to convince me to throw myself off of cliffs, but because she also bears a striking resemblance to Dame Judith Anderson who played the part in the know, dressed in all black with a collar, and eyes on the sides of her head that seem to glare "I don't want to live here with you!"

Mrs. Danvers Mrs. Danvers
Uncanny! So here a few photos of my darling Mrs Danvers from the past six months! Enjoy!

Two Months Old

Three Months Old

Four Months Old

Five Months Old
She's the submissive one. I really don't know where she learned that.

Six Months Old
Dinner Time! No, Danny! I won't forget to pick you up a
Double with Cheese and a Biggie Fry!
She's just like her mother, I swear!

And lastly, here is a cell phone video of the first time I ever sang to her when she was only two months old! Turn up your volume! You can just imagine how she feels knowing that I will serenade her incessantly for the rest of her entire life. And even though it "appears" as if she is lunging at my throat at the end of the video, she actually enjoys my 3 hour daily warm-ups...

Don't worry about me,


OpenID royalsyn said...

Very Cute!!! Nice to see you have a blog!!! I'm so linking you via my site:
Cheers, BABE!!!

November 18, 2008 at 7:16 AM  
Blogger Patrick said...

That video was soooooo funny. You are so talented. When are you coming back to NYC?

November 18, 2008 at 9:04 PM  
Blogger Varla Jean Merman said...

I hope to be in NYC as soon as I can fit in in between Birmingham and Louisville! I will be there in the spring, so check my site under TOUR SCHEDULE in January. Let's have TAPAS after. Or during...your choice!

November 18, 2008 at 10:41 PM  
Blogger Reavis Eitel said...

With all due respect to you VJM, your blog is exclusively sponsored by Manhunt with an icon of a guy and all that. Manhunt as a company has never come clean with a statement towards the Gay community regards to the Republican donations. To this day you cannot have any political talk in your profile esp anti-republican. We are Gay - I see that as always political, especially now. Are you / can you talk about politics or are you a VJM robot? Also, BTW not to mention Manhunt ruining cruising in America and being the main vein of commerce in the Crystal Meth underworld.

This comment isn't coming from a place of hate, but truth. Let's see if you and Manhunt allow this comment without deleting it! If you/they do delete it, I REST MY CASE!

I think you are terrific and I find all this very disappointing.

Cordially, Reavis Eitel

November 19, 2008 at 5:52 PM  
Blogger Monster A Go-Go said...

Congratulations on your dear baby Mrs. Danvers! (I don't know if you should pass out cigars or Milk Bones dog biscuits...) I'm sure having her was much easier than giving birth to Valvetta on the toilet in the ladies' room on the night of your prom! And I'm sure Mrs. Danvers was potty trained much quicker than Velvetta ever was (has she been potty trained---or perhaps you have no idea??).

Just think, now you'll have an excuse to tell all of your men as to why you have fleas---Mrs. Danvers gave them to you. (Although we BOTH know she'd never stoop so low as to actually have fleas herself...)

Sooooo looking forward to seeing you again in San Francisco in January! Yahooo!


November 25, 2008 at 10:06 AM  

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