Saturday, November 22, 2008


Ladies and Gentlemen!

Anyhoo, not much is going on here in New Orleans, except I did go to a doctor yesterday and have all the nodules and polyps scraped off of my vocal chords again. "It's just like shootin' squirrels off some power lines," the doctor said to me, laser in hand. I'm not sure if that is a metaphor, simile, or analogy, but who cares! A doctor without some humor and catchy "one-liners" is like Mr. Bean -- too physical, painful, and something I don't want going down my throat. Sorry, Rowan. (He is a colleague, but my blog is my "safe-place.")

While the doctor was picking off my "squirrels" one by one, I had all of the other growths scraped off my other delicate folds of skin. Well, the folds aren't so "delicate" anymore. In fact, "someone" might say they resemble the underwater part of a pier piling. But, I'm not dating that offshoreman anymore. Well, not for a while. Not to be crabby, but one of us was. Otherwise, it's been just another ho-hum day in the life of this "working" singer/actress, except now my voice is up-and-at-em and ready to be sent back to the firing line.

Studs Terkel

Speaking of breakouts and working, that reminds me of Studs Terkel. Not only was he the "breakout character" on the hit sitcom "Family Matters," but it turns out he was also a Pulitzer Prize winner for "Working." I'm not surprised because he always seemed book-smart on the show. And if you haven't heard this yet, I'm sorry, but you're GONNA find out, whether it be from me or Perez Hilton or The NewsHour with Jim Lehrer. He passed away at only 96 "years young" this month. I had no idea he was that "young," but as my friend said the last time we saw Diahann Caroll looking ageless at a PayLess Shoe Source, "Black Don't Crack!" (Grammar is my pet peeve, so I corrected my friend and started angrily shouting repeatedly "Black DOES NOT Crack! Black DOES NOT Crack!," but, Diahann heard me, and let me tell you, when she turned around and saw me furiously waving a size 12 pair of strappy sandals, her face suddenly "cracked." I actually heard it. It was almost the same sound you hear when you have "someone" crack the scar tissue that has built up around your implant. But "someone's" back on the oil rig again, and who knows when he'll back ashore.

Well, Diahann ran out of there quicker than I did, but the security sensor didn't go off for
her, and they let her keep going. Thanks to racial profiling, the same could not be said for me. I told the security officer that my "friend" would vouch that I was just chasing Diahann Carroll for grammatical reasons, but he said I was in the store by myself, and he could "prove" it with the security camera. I knew already that my "friend" wouldn't appear on the tape, because my "friend" is very camera shy, and she really knows how to avoid the lens...something that I have been trying to do for years.

Diahann (pronounced "Dee•uh•HAWN"*) Caroll

* I used •uh• in the above pronunciation, even though it should be a •schwa• but I can't seem to find the "schwa" button on my keyboard, and I've been looking since Wednesday. Some of my keyboard buttons have stuff stuck to them and I can't see what they are. Fah-HEE-tah. (Speaking of phonetical stuff, that's how you say fajita! I saw that at The Taco Bell written out next to the word on the menu. Try saying it phonetically! Fah-HEE-tah! It's so much more fun. That's how ABBA did every song BTW!)

Anyway, Studs Terkel looked great for 96, even though he obviously had Vitiligo, that Michael Jackson skin disease, cause he died as white as a ghost. But then again Gary Coleman and Emanuel Lewis (disease free, by my knowledge) were like 30 years young, or something, when they were supposed to be children on television. And Stockard Channing was already way past her "lady problem" when she played a high school girl in the movie "Grease." And, the same for Diana Ross in the movie version of "The Wiz," although she still has problems, just not the "lady problem." But now, times have changed, and the industry has the nerve to become age-appropriate! Now, I am being edged out of ingenue roles by my peers, like Dakota Fanning and that Hannah Montana. Jeez Louise! Maybe if I named myself "Nebraska Idaho" I could get some work! Not that I'm not "working"...

Gary Coleman • Emanuel Lewis • Stockard Channing • Diana Ross

So, while I was loitering in the New Orleans Public Library yesterday after settling with my vocal doctor, I picked up a tattered copy of "Working" and read the cover, before putting it back down. And it made me think. People like me talk about what they do all day and how I feel about what I do. But does it matter? Does a blog of a "working" actress matter? It does. But I suppose you don't have to be a ACJF (arm-chair Jessica Fletcher) to realize I must not be "working" that much, because how would I have time to create these intricate, thought provoking essays every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday. Well, it's more than obvious looking at the "venues" I am performing at, correction, at which I am performing, that I do need money. Money to try and pay for those 7 houses I bought three years ago that I haven't been able to "turnover," as we say in the business of real estate turnovering.


Back to the BLOG! (Sorry, I had to eat.) Anyhoo, I haven't quite figured out how to parlay these hour-long exhausting sessions on my computer in my bedroom into money. Let me clarify. Not all of them. I just hope someone is keeping track of the dozens of people that are reading this, because I want to make the big bucks and follow in the footsteps of my "colleague," Perez Hilton.

Studs Terkel

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of copying.

Don't worry about me,


Blogger Monster A Go-Go said...

That was YOU chasing Diahann Caroll through Payless Shoes? Oh my STARS! I thought it was Starr Jones (post gastric bypass, of course), suffering from vitiligo herself, chasing after Diahann, trying to get her old Payless Shoes endorsement gig back! i had NO idea it was you. O' if only I HAD known! I could have at least tried to get a photo of you (to sell to the tabloids or something after the police caught up with you). I'm glad you are okay.

November 25, 2008 at 10:28 AM  

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