Monday, November 24, 2008

Six bottles of red

Ladies and Gentleman!

I don't mean to shock any of you or spoil the illusion of my bon vivant lifestyle, but last night I stayed home and didn't drink! Instead, I curled up in front of the television with a couple of bottles of wine and watched the American Music Awards! Well, I watched the "performances." I TIVO the whole thing and skip the awards and speeches. Please! The whole thing is "framed," just like the Presidential Election. Ooopsie Daisy! I can't use that excuse anymore, I guess. That's so four years ago...

Oh, and I don't have TIVO, cause I rarely watch TV, unless I'm on it. And, that is rare. I actually watched the show at LaSwan's house. (LaSwan is my name for "Lady Across the Street Without A Name." She told me her name, like, eight years ago, when I moved in. But, I didn't "process" it, and now eight years later, it really is too late to ask her again.)

Chanteuse Christina Auguleriueriaeria

Highlights? Chunky, at best. Christina Auguleriueriaeria opened the show with a "medley," that was at least two glasses of wine long! At least! I also noticed that she must have finally felt the pressure of aghast fashionista's who had accused her of "procuring" Lady Gaga's "look." (Believe me, when Ann-Margret accused me of "stealing" her look, I denied it, although being caught red-handed in her Beverly Hills home with her red wig in my hand didn't help. Non je ne regrette rien!)

The Landers Sisters • Judy and Audrey

Alicia Keys looked so beautiful accepting her awards, although I did think it was odd that she carried her handbag to the stage with her EVERY SINGLE TIME. But, then I noticed she was sitting next to Queen Latifah, and believe me, I wouldn't leave my handbag with her either. She's a tough girl! One of those kind that don't carry a handbag, even. But she's not as tough as her "lady bodyguard" who accompanies her. I saw the two of them dining at a Houston's restaurant in Century City last year and you should have seen the look the "bodyguard" gave me when I jumped up to finish their spinach artichoke dip. They were leaving, so I thought, but it turns out they were only going to the powder room, even though I don't think either of them had a handbag, much less powder.

Ludacris and Kanye West

Kanye West took his award with his ususual bravado. I know this is terrible, but every time I see him I want to hug him. Really, really, hard. I just sense he is headed for a bit of a "let down" in life. Let's all pray that it happens soon, so he can get over it quickly. He seemed a bit perturbed last night that people didn't think his generation (is that still my generation?) could be compared to the musical icons of the past and even walked off stage touting himself as the "new Elvis." Well, let's give the boy a chance! You never know, maybe one day, when people are asked to list the greatest rock songs of all time, they will respond confidently "Stairway to Heaven," "Let It Be," "Purple Haze," and "She a Goldigger, But She Ain't Playin' With No Broke Ni**er."

Mariah Carey and her biggest fan

Mariah Carey can never be accused of stealing anyone's "look." She has stuck by hers through think and thin! I do love to see her perform because there is something so moving in her entrances. She always enters looking catatonic until she hits her mark for her "hair fan" and suddenly comes alive. It's almost as exciting as the end of the movie "Awakenings," when Robin Williams administers that drug to Robert DeNiro. I swear they have the same exact look of comfort and joy! Viva Vornado!

Beyoncé's alibi, Sasha Fierce

I love Beyoncé, but I have seen that "All the Single Ladies" one too many times this week. It's soon to be on my list of "Things I Hope I Never See Again, " right in between "1. Faye Dunaway doing the wire hanger scene," and "3. Skinny white boys in drag lip-synching Jennifer Holliday's And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going..."

Did anybody notice when Melody from The Pussycat Dolls couldn't get her jacket off during their number? BTW, the only reason I know her name is because it was written on her podium, right underneath her stripper pole. That's the truth. The camera unmercifully stayed on her, struggling the entire time. And, to make herself seem "human" rather that "professional," she even screamed to the girl next to her, "I can't get it off!" Oopsie. I guess there's another season of "Search For The Next Doll...with smaller wrists" on the horizon.

Kathleen Battle

Lastly...Jeez Louise! This blog is almost as long as the show...Alicia Keys decided to end the show by singing "Superwoman" with Queen Latifah. That's one good way to keep an eye on her her. But then, as a "surprise" guest, opera icon Kathleen Battle suddenly appeared to sing a coloratura descant over the whole thing. Yes, you read that right. And, I bet no one was as "surprised" as Miss Battle. I was "surprised" and I even knew about it beforehand! My friend Nell Snaidas wrote the descant for Miss Battle upon the request of Alicia Keys! In fact, in my next blog, I will include a clip of Nell and I singing at "Classical Varla," my annual benefit in Provincetown! But it was Queen Latifah who "acted" the most "surprised." Every time Miss Battle sang a note, they cut to a close-up of Queen Latifah miming, "WHOAH!" I know from experience, that sometimes it's hard to stop "acting" even when someone else has taken center stage. Or taken a bite of your spinach artichoke dip.

Too bad they didn't wheel out Deborah Voight in a tiny black dress for Christina's "Dirrty" number, or Monsterrat Caballe for Beyonce's "All The Single Ladies." Oh, wait. Freddie Mercury did drag her out a long time ago. Well, see, everyone old is new again!

Freddie Mercury and Montserrat Caballé

Oh, and BTW. I'm "available" to be dragged out for any, and I mean "any," occasion.

Don't worry about me,


Blogger Monster A Go-Go said...

Thank you for giving me the blow by blow of the show. I missed it entirely, but from your description I'd have been driven to drink too and STILL be suffering from the hangover!

November 25, 2008 at 10:44 AM  

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