Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Something's growing in the toilet

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Well, it's official! New Orleans has the highest crime rate in the country! But, as me and Heather Locklear will tell you, besides that we're fine to drive, is that any publicity is good publicity! See! I found a "silver lining" on the rape-robbery-aggravated assault-burglary-theft cloud hovering over my hometown. It's an adventure here! Kind of like Iraq, but with drink specials. There I go again, with the lining...

Now some of you may not be shocked that I, Varla Jean Merman, live in the most crime infested city in the land. In fact, "some" of you may think there might even be a correlation. But I am a good person, mostly. And that one time when I discovered that I accidentally took several bags of roasted almonds and eight Duffy CD's while leaning against the back of the cash register at Starbuck's, I went right back there and returned the all of the CD's.

Mrs. Danvers

So, to help me deny the fact that I live in a depressed, decaying urban wasteland riddled with violence and corruption, I try to fill each day with a lil' bit-o-beauty! Like today! I ventured into my courtyard to let Mrs. Danvers "water" the lawn, and what did I see? Four broken down toilets I threw back there after Katrina. Well, at first I saw four toilets. But, with a little grunt work, I saw four pots. Pots of gold!

Soiled Toilets on Rampart Street

You should have seen the neighbors' faces when I put my soiled toilets in front of the house. LaSwan (Lady Across the Street Without A Name) said she has never, ever seen such a display in the thirty years she has lived on the block. And now, "watering" the flowers has never been so much fun! But beware! The snap dragons may tickle your whiskers! These commodes are certain to wipe away your troubles!

Hey! And, here's yet another lil' bit-o-beauty! On Monday, I wrote how my friend and soprano Nell Snaidas helped Alicia Keys with the arrangement of Kathleen Battle's part in Ms. Keys' performance of "Superwoman" at the American Music Awards. But not only is she an arranger to the stars, she is also an amazing singer!

Well, here is Miss Nell and I singing the famous Flower Duet from Delibes' opera Lakmé! You may recognize it as the theme from the
British Airways commercials if you are a world traveler. Or, if you are a lesbian, you may recognize it as the love theme from the movie "The Hunger." Enjoy, Lesbians!

Don't worry about me,


Blogger Monster A Go-Go said...

Well, isn't that just like you...serenading lesbians and beautifying "public" toilets (or is that just a clever, yet shameless bid for free "fertilizer" for your precious plants?)! Bless you, St. Varla!

November 26, 2008 at 8:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can I just say, I LOVE YOU!!! Thanks for the post on New Orleans, I wasn't sure I wanted to go again to visit that fine town or not next Spring. Last time I was there I was too drunk to remember - maybe this next time will be different....

November 26, 2008 at 2:08 PM  
Blogger bob said...

Are you adjusting yourself there as you take your bow?

Otherwise fabulous performance!!!

November 29, 2008 at 10:04 PM  
Blogger Sarai said...

Varla, i DID enjoy the video... wow your vocals are amazing... i know im a little late on the comment but wow... and you look amazeing as usual... but becareful because i would just die if you got hurt anywhere, but i doubt it... My goal is to oneday a beautifully buff as you are... i find that so sexii in a woman

May 19, 2009 at 1:26 PM  

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home