Saturday, January 24, 2009

Dead Ringer!

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Well, after I ejected Mr. Ricky Graham from my dressing room, and Febreezed my wig, I was off to BLAKE'S, here in Atlanta, to promote the show. Then, of course I came back to my corporate apartment and ate everything in sight.

What did I eat, you ask, right before I posted this blog?

Which died first, the chicken or the peanut?

Yes, that's right, three, not one, THREE protein bars...WITH PEANUT BUTTER PASTE. Then, moments later, I tune into CNN and discover that nutrition bars are now being recalled. How does this happen? How does a peanut come down with salmonella? Did Mr. Peanut have unprotected relations with Chicken Little? Who's combining susceptible peanuts with dirty chickens?

Wait a minute! Kung Pao! That's how! Oh, those Chinese have done it again! Anti-freeze in toothpaste! Melanoma, or whatever, in babies' milk!

So, as you read this, Atlanta EMS personnel are probably lifting my lifeless salmonella-riddled body off of a soiled toilet and into a Elvis. But with more rhinestones.

But even though I'm deceased, I bet I still won't get nominated for an Oscar for GIRLS WILL BE GIRLS.

Don't worry about me,


Blogger Geoff said...

Didn't "Salmonelli" warn you about that? Hope you're not ill.

January 23, 2009 at 10:52 PM  
Blogger Varla Jean Merman said...

Oh, Jesus! Life imitating "art." HELP ME! My art is now attacking me!


January 23, 2009 at 10:59 PM  
Blogger Soundacious said...

Hey, Varla,

I've heard about you for years and years, but this is my first chance to see your genius in action! I used to know someone who looked a lot like you, except he was a geeky High School Junior. But he was just as much fun!

All the best to you! You are a hot babe and you make me laugh like nobody's business!

- John Voorhees
Gulfport, MS

January 24, 2009 at 7:00 AM  

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