Saturday, January 24, 2009

Dead Ringer!

Ladies and Gentlemen!




Well, after I ejected Mr. Ricky Graham from my dressing room, and Febreezed my wig, I was off to BLAKE'S, here in Atlanta, to promote the show. Then, of course I came back to my corporate apartment and ate everything in sight.

What did I eat, you ask, right before I posted this blog?

Which died first, the chicken or the peanut?

Yes, that's right, three, not one, THREE protein bars...WITH PEANUT BUTTER PASTE. Then, moments later, I tune into CNN and discover that nutrition bars are now being recalled. How does this happen? How does a peanut come down with salmonella? Did Mr. Peanut have unprotected relations with Chicken Little? Who's combining susceptible peanuts with dirty chickens?

Wait a minute! Kung Pao! That's how! Oh, those Chinese have done it again! Anti-freeze in toothpaste! Melanoma, or whatever, in babies' milk!

So, as you read this, Atlanta EMS personnel are probably lifting my lifeless salmonella-riddled body off of a soiled toilet and into a hearse...like Elvis. But with more rhinestones.

But even though I'm deceased, I bet I still won't get nominated for an Oscar for GIRLS WILL BE GIRLS.

Don't worry about me,
VJ

3 Comments:

Blogger Geoff said...

Didn't "Salmonelli" warn you about that? Hope you're not ill.

January 23, 2009 at 10:52 PM  
Blogger Varla Jean Merman said...

Oh, Jesus! Life imitating "art." HELP ME! My art is now attacking me!

VJ

January 23, 2009 at 10:59 PM  
Blogger Soundacious said...

Hey, Varla,

I've heard about you for years and years, but this is my first chance to see your genius in action! I used to know someone who looked a lot like you, except he was a geeky High School Junior. But he was just as much fun!

All the best to you! You are a hot babe and you make me laugh like nobody's business!

- John Voorhees
Gulfport, MS

January 24, 2009 at 7:00 AM  

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