Friday, September 25, 2009

Nuts about Folsom!

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Turns out, the nuts weren't $9 a can, they were $10.99!!!!! Can you believe!? How salty! They added a "restocking" charge! That's $65.94 worth of nuts I ate in one day!

Don't worry about me,

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Los Angeleez, Please!

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I'm up late packing my bags, getting ready to go to Los Angeles to film a TV special! I know! WOWWIE! And if you live in the area, you can come to the taping! Just look on my "TOUR SCHEDULE" page for details!

I will be sharing the stage withe the hilarious Jackie Beat, and my dear friend, Miss Coco Peru!

Anyhoo, I don't get to take Mrs. Danvers because I have such a hectic schedule for ten days and I don't want to put my little baby through all of that. OH GOD I MISS HER ALREADY! She will be staying with my neighbor LaSwan (Lady Across the Street Without A Name). I love LaSwan, but she likes to put peanut butter on her toes and then lets Mrs. Danvers lick it off. I won't even tell you where she likes to put slices of bologna. Then Mrs. Danvers uses that same mouth to kiss me...

On a side note...I didn't know that having a boyfriend spit in your face was a bad thing, until Whitney said it all teary-eyed...and Oprah seemed to agree. My last boyfriend, who shall remain nameless not just for legal reasons, but also because I can't remember, used to spit on everything during lovemaking while he kissed me. Me, himself, the remote. Everything. If I only I had realized this was a personal revelation, I could have been on Oprah. Or at least Wendy Williams...

Is a dog's mouth really cleaner than a human's? My ex-boyfriend's definitely seemed fresher than Mrs. Danvers.

Just a side note.

Don't worry about me,