Monday, May 25, 2009

Free bacon?

Ladies and Gentlemen!

It's my birthday week, so I decided to go out every single night and get as many free cocktails as I could. I didn't want this week to be any different from any other week. Why? Because I really don't want anyone to make any fuss and celebrate this BIG birthday of mine. That's why I'm writing about it, because I don't want any flowers (like colorful spring mixes of gerber daisies and lillies from Dunn and Sonnier) or male strippers ( or any gorgeous jewelry from local artisan Mignon Faget (

Please. Don't feel like you have to make me feel good now that I have left my dewy youth behind. I'm fine. Really. Look out cougars! There's a new cat in town and she's feeling good! But she's a touch bi-polar and the pendulum is bound to swing at any moment... So, hide anything with hair on it.

On Friday, LaSwan (Lady Across the Street Without A Name) and I went uptown with two of my dear lesbian lady friends to a bar called "Phillip's." It's a college bar near Tulane's campus. I decided this cougar would grab the bull by the horns, or anything else I could get my liver spotted hands on. I thought I would feel a little out of place, but boy did I feel better when the waitress (in a skirt so short I could see her navel) put this in front of me.

Verre de bacon.

I thought someone had told them it was my birthday week. Why else would someone hand you a free glass of bacon. Turns out, they give EVERYONE who orders a drink a glass full of fried and sugar coated pork belly. Now, that's New Orleans! Where else? Believe me! Can you imagine the looks on the queens' faces in San Francisco or Boston if a you plopped a glass of bacon in front of them? They'd probably run screaming out the door and onto a stair master just for looking at it.

Anyhoo, I don't know what happened after the glass was empty. Well, my glass never is...


On a sad note, Ms. Clara wasn't in her chair this morning. I hope everything is okay.

Don't worry about me,
Dunn and Sonnier

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Hanging with a horse.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I am home in New Orleans! But I had an amazing time in St. Louis. I may have been a little "risqué" for some of the crowd, but I had so many sweet fans there! I picked on a lady in the front row who turned out to be a billionaire. Maybe she'll ask me to live in her garage. Or create an "installation" in her living room. We'll see...

Special thanks to Michelle, the "hot Jew", and Corey, the "hot German," for my gift bag! Oooh! I love to be appreciated!

My favorite angle for any photograph. From under.

Thanks to Jim Dolan who treated me and my pianist, Tom Shaw, to a lovely tour of the city. And, how about that fried ravioli? We fry everything in New Orleans, so I felt as if I was with my people.

Then I was off to Boston to do a benefit for the Gay Men's Basketball League. I love giant men. I really do. Oh, boy do I!

"Come to Mama, Big Baby!" At Club Cafe in Boston!

Then, I helped my favorite basketball player, who is the reason I did the benefit. We went to his farm in New Hampshire and I helped straighten up the place. Imagine me on a tractor mowing acres of land. I was like Eva Gabor in "Green Acres."

They look so serene, right before they bite.

And a little roll in the hay never hurt anyone. Although, I have been finding hay in my dainty crevices for days. It's worse than glittter! And I love glitter. I really do. Oh, boy do I!

Today, I am going to do everything in my power to put a smile on somebody's face! (I have some special powers...)

Mrs. Danvers wouldn't get out of the car.

Don't worry about me,

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Dribble Lady!

Ladies and Gentlemen!

St. Louis was fab! I will write about it tomorrow! I am too crazed today! Because...

I'm now in BOSTON! Have a benefit tonight for the Boston Gay Men's Basketball League! I know! Who knew? I never knew gay men played basketball, but then again I was shocked to find out about the Gay Log Cabin Republicans... And NO those having nothing to do with each other.

I will post a video blog after the show tonight, my pets!

It is at Club Cafe and tickets are still available! Every cent goes to the league (minus my plane ticket!) I even bought a Celtics uniform to wear! for more info! Tell your friends!

Don't worry about me,

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Meet me in St. Louis!

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Now that I have finished VARLA JEAN AND THE MUSHROOMHEADS! I am off to St. Louis to perform in a gorgeous cabaret with my cohort on piano, Tom Shaw. If you know anyone in St. Louis (that doesn't work for law enforcement) tell them to come to the show! One night only! Click on the logo for details!

Click this, lady!

Anyhoo, some of the best moments of my life I have realized have been in my car enjoying a drive-thru daiquiri. I know drinking and driving may seem a little "progressive" to the rest of the world, but in New Orleans it just seems right. I laughed and laughed yesterday driving around the Garden District with LaSwan (Lady Across the Street Without A Name) celebrating her recent success in getting her cosmotology license. She has agreed to do my hair, so I'm gonna leave it at her place while I go up north! Then LaSwan told me she was going to bed early. However when I walked Mrs. Danvers and was going through LaSwan's trash this morning, I saw this.


Someone didn't go to bed early. I know a party when I see one. Even it's in someone's trash can.

Anyhoo, as I was walking Mrs. Danvers, I walked by a contactor's truck and noticed out of the corner of my eye that he was scratching something that must have been itching pretty badly. I poked my head into his vehicle and asked him if he was okay. We had a long conversation and the whole time he kept scratching! Like a wild animal! I must admit that I had ulterior motives for sticking my head into a strange, yet appealing contractor's window.

Aqua duct.

You see, I have had a crack in the bottom of my bathtub for years. I have tried to cover it with duct tape, but it keeps gettin bigger. I keep telling all the people who take showers at my house that it happened during Katrina, but I can tell that I'm not that good of an actress, because I know that disapproving look of "white trash" pretty well at this point.

I will never forget while I was on tour with the Broadway revival of "CHICAGO" how another "actress" told everyone in the cast that my toothbrush case was actually an empty, used toilet paper roll bent around the head of my brush. I was green when green wasn't cool... But that was the first time I recall the "white trash" disapproving look.

Even Mrs. D sometimes gives me that "look."

Anyway, after the contractor took a shower, he told me he would be back today to work on my plumbing and fill my crack. Let's hope. It is so big now that it is leaking all over the place.

And let me tell you, if you've never sat in a bathtub taking a bath that has a duct tape patch in it, DON'T! Sometimes the tape can curl around the edges and then attach itself to sensitive parts of your body that are covered in hair. Well, that "used" to be covered in hair...

Don't worry about me,

Wednesday, May 6, 2009


Ladies and Gentlemen!

I must say I was EXHAUSTED from my whole Mushroomhead experience! But, in the meantime, I have taken up television to keep my brain from exploding. I was on such a high during the creation of the show that I feel like now I have stopped cold-turkey. Can't I have a seizure of some sort because of this? Or at the very least some sort of rage attack?

I love MEDIUM with that Arquette lady! I really can't get enough. I sometimes watch it on Ambien just so that I can watch it again without knowing the ending. That works with "personal" encounters as well.

Is anyone else obsessed with this show?

Don't worry about me,