Saturday, February 28, 2009

Pushing Varla!

Ladies and Gentlemen,

My show in Chicago at HYDRATE was so much fun last night. Have another one tonight! Both sold-out! Oprah wasn't there last night. Maybe tonight?

But Chicago is too cold! Oh, well how fortunate for me, I go to Palm Springs on Sunday to do "Shut Up, Sweet Charlotte!"

Mrs. Danvers is so cold!

Anyhoo, my friend Mark sent me this clip from a benefit I did years ago with Kristin Chenoweth! Look at the pretty lady who comes in at 2:22. Don't blink! That's also Edie and Steven Brinberg as Barbra!

Don't worry about me,

Thursday, February 26, 2009

My kinda town!

Ladies and Gentlemen!

I've jetted off from Los Angleles, almost in First Class, thanks to that bulk-head seat, and am now in Chicago! Tell your friends!

I am at HYDRATE, although I rarely participate in that tradition, thanks to all that beef jerky. But who can resist a big chunk of dried bovine flesh! Yummy!

Come see me, Chicagoamanarians, on Friday and Saturday night!

Click on the fab postcard for more info!

Anyhoo, I went to the "99 Cent" store in in Hollywood yesterday to stock up on irregular beef jerky. But look what I found instead! Something yummier!

"Great Tasting Marshmallow Fries"

Marshmallow Fries! Made out of realish marshmallow! Look to the lower left of the package! It's "Kandy Ketchup" that you can squirt all over the fries! Some friggin' genius got rich off of this one. I'm always a step behind. I bet those French people have never seen anything like this in France.

Then, I had the great idea to come up with giant marshmallow pizza slices. Too late.

"All American 'Fun' Pizza"

I'm not sure why being made out of marshmallow makes it "All American." Wait a minute. That's not very nice.

Probably made in France.

Don't worry about me,

Monday, February 23, 2009

Who's that squirrel?

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Watching the Oscar's. And somehow found myself outside courting rabies. Sadly, I think the latter was more entertaining.

Although this dress left me foaming at the mouth. Why was Beyoncé on the red carpet in a dress that looked like it was made from a Hawaiian hookers bedspread? Deré-off!

I'm wearing a Tostitos bag right now. Nacho problem.

Don't worry about me,

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Rain Dance

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I'm still in LA, and the Oscar's are tomorrow!

I still don't know what I'm going to wear. I was thinking either the bathrobe I "accidentally" put in my suitcase when I got off that cruise on Queen Mary 2 I worked on, or I could always go "commando" in a Snuggie.

Yes. I'm going to watch it from my apartment in LA. Isn't that like going to Mardi Gras in New Orleans and watching the parades on TV?

Oh, I had to say it. As you know, I live in New Orleans and I will not be there for Mardi Gras this year. A tear (just one) is streaming down my face right now and landing in my chicken pot pie.

Mardi Gras tomfoolery!

I couldn't come home this year because my neighbor LaSwan (Lady Across the Street Without A Name) was taking the cosmetology licensing exam this week and asked if I not be home for the month of February because she said I would be a distraction. She didn't use those exact words, but it was the "jist" as we say.

Maybe she'll do my hair when I get back. Maybe I will want her to?

Then today my friend called me and told me that LaSwan's little brother, L'il Ray Ray, was staying in my house with his six daughters, two sons, and his "workout partner." I hope I locked my medicine cabinet...

Anyway, Happy Oscar's. Happy Mardi Gras. I hope it doesn't rain really hard on both.

Don't worry about me,

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Car trouble

Ladies and Gentlemen!

I am proud to announce I have a new sponsor!

Don't worry about me,

Monday, February 16, 2009

Orange glad I sang Carmen

Ladies and Gentlemen!

People ask me all the time what my influences are. Well, I have been under the influence of so many things that it really is rather difficult to remember anything.

But, I came across this on YouTube and had such a flashback.

It's fascinating how our childhood memories profoundly influence our adult lives. This is pretty much my act right down to the nuts on my face.

Don't worry about me,

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Girls Will Eat Meat

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Last night we had a GIRLS WILL BE GIRLS reunion dinner!

I love group dinners in restaurants, especially when you go out with five other people who don't drink and you all split the bill! I ended up only having to pay $1 for each of my $6 beers! I saved $45! That's what Miss Coco said I saved, anyway.

We went to a Korean Barbeque restaurant in Korea Town here in Los Angeles. It was "authentic" which means it doesn't look, smell, or taste right. What was super neat, though, was that there was a mini-barbeque grill in the middle of every table, kind of like a big ashtray but with more smoke.

Those better not be my good scissors!

Korea Town is a fun place filled with Tyler Perry MADEA billboards and Mexican people playing festive salsa music while washing their cars. I didn't see any Koreans except for the one who kept coming to our table and cutting the chicken with a pair of scissors, obviously a Korean when they force a stadium crowd to make giant pictures with flash cards and then shoot the unpatriotic losers who mess it up.

Bird and beer.

I dug right in but noticed no one else was eating. Most everyone wanted to wait until the chicken was "cooked." I learned that is a good idea. Next time!

Clinton and Jack, who were my supporting actors in GIRLS WILL BE GIRLS.

I really do love Clinton and Jack, who played Coco and Evie. They are so funny! Jack even played this funny joke where he went to the bathroom right before the check came and he never came back! He is always on!

I'm not sure who this is.

The amazingly talented, genius writer, Richard Day,
who works in television and has the power
to create more work for me.

All in all, it was a dinner I will not soon forget. I really won't. My coat still smells like garlic beef.

I have, however, started cutting all my meat with scissors. Try it. It's really fun!

Don't worry about me,

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Cat House Blues

Ladies and Gentlemen!

There are two things I get really upset about when I see them cast aside onto the curb of the street.

#1: Mattresses that you don't realize are covered in stains until AFTER you get them into your bedroom. And,

#2: This!

Kitty doesn't live here anymore.

Seeing this just makes me think. And I hate that feeling.

Did kitty pass away? Or did she just lose the will to play? Why? What happened? Is she okay? Why didn't someone put a note on it saying, "Don't worry! Everything is okay!" You know why? Because everything is not okay! KITTY IS NOT OKAY!!!! This is why I need Ambien at night.

Well, I am choosing to take the sunny road and be an optometrist. I have always been a "my glass is half not drunk" kind of person.

I am going to believe that kitty's owner felt that the above cat condo was a bit out-of-style and because he loved kitty so much, he bought a new one! An "upgrade," as we celebrities say when we're "accidentally" in coach with the civilians. Maybe kitty is relaxing on this!

Or perhaps kitty's owner was on THE PRICE IS RIGHT and came home with this one! Get a load of this thing!

Maybe this deluxe top of-the-line cat scratch structure was delivered that very morning and now kitty is so happy she's dancing around on her tippy-toes, purring like Eartha Kitt.

Oh, why did I have to bring her up? Kitty's dead. I know it. Everybody's dead.

Anyhoo, my friend Miss Coco told me last week that some cats can smell cancer. I have no idea what cancer smells like, so I find that hard to believe, but Coco knows all kinds of stuff that no one else has time to know! However, I did have an airport custom's dog attack me one time in the passport line in Sydney because I had an apple in my handbag. They don't allow fruit in Austria. Well, not imported fruit. Wait a minute. I hope that dog was smelling the apple and not cancer.

My friend and colleague, Miss Coco Peru.

Speaking of Coco, we're having a GIRLS WILL BE GIRLS reunion dinner tonight! Will tell y'all all about it on Saturday!

Don't worry about me,

Monday, February 9, 2009

The six dollar laugh

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Had a wonderful time in Palm Springs, where I woke up in a hot tub with my bikini top inside a beer bottle. I vaguely remember pushing it in there with my tongue. It's a muscle, and should be exercised so that it doesn't fail you when you really "need it."

Anyhoo, came back to Los Angeles and had drinks with my pal Edema at The Abbey! And I had another "celebrity" sighting! Janice Dickinson, the world's first supermodel, as she says.

My colleague, Janice Dickinson. She looked good!
It was really dark.

She ordered a drink and when the bartender said, "Six dollars," she said "Six bucks? Do you know who I am?" He said, "You're the lady who is going to give me six dollars." I laughed in my darn outer voice, the one that gets me in trouble, the laugh that resembles the sound a hyena makes when having its "lower belly" being tickled by a feather duster, and she turned and looked at me! In the eyes! It was thrilling. Kind of like the end of "Rosemary's Baby." But without the "comic relief" of Ruth Gordon.

Anyway, my dear friend Bubba, short for "Bubalah," sent me a "King Cake" from New Orleans to celebrate the Mardi Gras. Talk about a sweetheart! I came home, high as a kite, well, from my celebrity sighting and consequential adrenaline rush from the fear of being attacked, and ate the whole thing. Happy Mardi Gras!

It was delicious. And I know, because I kept tasting it ALL night. With the whole pizza I ate from Papa John's. And the whole burrito I ate while I was waiting for the pizza. And the whole Big Mac I ate while waiting for the burrito, while waiting for the pizza. There's a lotta "wholes" in that statement. Here's the proof.

Good morning, heart-burn. I digested all of this last night.
As well as my esophagus.

I better go to the gym now. Hope I don't run into Janice! Call me Dionne Warwick, but I have a "hunch" that she's not up yet.

It's amazing how I have the most amazing will power all day long and then, BAM! It's gone after six wild berry martinis! (I had to actually pay for mine, too.)

Don't worry about me,

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Booby Trap!

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Mrs. Danvers and I took a our usual morning walk today, but I decided to go down an alley way to cut back to the house because I woke up a little "tired" and because I saw a discarded pizza box. I didn't find anything except crusts in the pizza box. But, look what I did find!

Mrs. Danvers doesn't like a collar. But I love a cuff.

Yes, that is Mrs. Danvers. And yes, that is a telephone pole. And yes, that is a pair of handcuffs bolted to it. At first I thought maybe it was some sort of "tool" left behind by the Verizon man.

But, then I remembered that I was in West Hollywood. I was very tempted to try on the opened cuff, but thought it might be a trap! What if I would put it on and someone would come take advantage of me?

Well, it didn't work. No one ever came by with a key, and Mrs. Danvers had to finally dial 9-1-1. Thank God she has one opposable thumb.

So after this horrific "accident" I have decided to create my own safety campaign, similar to the "If you throw away a refrigerator out onto the street, make sure you take the door off!"

My campaign will be more like "If you handcuff a friend to a telephone pole, make sure you close both cuffs before disposing of the body."

Don't worry about me,

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Will Blog for Bingo!

Ladies and Gentlemen!

I am in Los Angeles, writing, taking in the sun, getting in shape, and giving my self-confidence a senseless beating. EVEN THE HOMELESS ARE HOT HERE! I'm not joking! And many are so witty!

Everyone wants to be in show business in LA.

Amazing that someone could be in that situation and still be able to try and make people laugh. Well, at least I always know I will have some sort of venue to create comedy, no matters what happens. Comforting.

Speaking of begging, last night I went to the Drag Bingo benefit at Hamburger Mary's on Santa Monica Blvd. in West Hollywood. WOW! The host, and a friend of mine, Bridgette of Madison County, was the ball caller, and she is so funny! People used to say that we looked alike, when she had longer hair! Which is odd because she is a man! Then again, Clay Aiken looks like a fem KD Lang, so go figure!

That's not me! That's a man, but with less make-up than me.
Bridgette, a few years ago....

Anyway, the best part about the evening, besides the bartender (GEEZ LOUISE! I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA HAVE AN ANEURYSM FROM THE BEAUTY OVERLOAD!) was that Jennifer Love Hewitt was sitting next to me! Until they asked me to "please" leave her table. I mean, we are colleagues, so I thought I could sit at her table, you know, like in high school at the cheerleader table. Oh, I was removed from that one, too.

Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Anyhoo, she looked gorgeous, from the back at least, even though she didn't recognize me. It'll come to her, maybe, when she comes home tonight and finds me in her front lawn. With the other attractive homeless people.

Don't worry about me,

Monday, February 2, 2009

Danny does inversion

Ladies and Gentlemen!

The Atlanta run of "SHUT UP, SWEET CHARLOTTE!" was amazing! Thanks to all y'all Georgian peaches who came out to see the show!

I am in Los Angeles now, so I will have a lot to say on Wednesday! But in the meantime, look at Mrs. Danvers' acrobatic prowess as she buries a bone!

Press Play!

Don't worry about me.