Wednesday, December 31, 2008

New Year's Eve!

Ladies and Gentlemen!

My dear friend Miss Chad came into New Orleans for New Year's Eve! Believe it or not, we went to high school together at the Louisiana School for Math, Science, and the Arts in Natchitoches, Louisiana, the same city that "Steel Magnolias" is set in, which was written by my friend Bobby Harling! (But you know how I hate to name drop! Speaking of name dropping, did I ever tell y'all the story about when Elton John invited me to his Oscar party? Oh, another time...)

Anyway, Miss Chad made a huge splash in New York City as a architectural lighting designer and then he pulled a Madonna and moved to London! (He even talks like her!)

We drove to Baton Rouge to walk the hallowed halls of our collegiate alma mater, and last year's national football champion (GEAUX TIGERS!), Louisiana State University! Chad attended LSU and I sometimes tried to. We had lunch at our old college hangout "The Chimes" with our dear friend Miss Heather who had the cutest little baby with her! I think it was hers, but I don't ask questions. I try to not know everybody's "business" if per chance the police should get involved at a later date. Let that be your New Year's Resolution and you'll find you spend a lot less time being interrogated. Take it from me, no amount of "acting" experience can fool certain detectives...

Heather's baby? Heather. Miss Chad.

Anyway, tonight I am going to a New Year's Eve party at the home of another college buddy, Miss Jamie. During college, Miss Chad, Miss Jamie and I all lived in this building in Baton Rouge with my good friend (which I will see next week in San Francisco) Miss Scotty Owens.

I wish I could tell you it used to be nicer.

Anyway, Happy New Year!!! And here's two more gratuitous pictures of Mrs Danvers that Miss Chad took with his fancy Japanese camera!

Mrs. Danvers.

The New Year has to be great with Mrs. Danvers by my side!

Don't worry about me,

Monday, December 29, 2008

Silence amongst the yams

Ladies and Gentlemen!

While in Los Angeles, I had Christmas dinner with my good friends Edema and Boniva, who work at the Home Depot on Sunset Boulevard in Hollywood. I met them several years ago when I was searching for a blow torch for a sculpture project that unfortunately ended in tragedy. I'll be able to talk more about that when the proceedings have concluded. But a word to the wise -- cantilevered steel should be properly grounded in public spaces.

Unfortunately Edema was furious that I brought my own "beverage" with me to the dinner party. I thought I was doing them a favor and just assume every party is a "Bring Your Own Beverage." I'm from New Orleans! We invented the "Go-Cup."

She wondered why I didn't bring a bottle of wine that everyone could enjoy and asked me to throw my cup away, because it "disrupted her table setting." I refused, mainly because I had put a pricey spirit in the cup, unbeknownst to them. I told them we could pass it around the table throughout the meal like Jesus did with the loaves of bread and the fish. "Hey! And maybe Jesus himself would make it a bottomless libation!" Edema didn't think that was a "swell" idea.

I never told them how much libation I had put in the cup, but I think they figured it out by the end of the meal. No one said a word during the entire dinner "party." My hiccups, however, spoke volumes.

My holiday spirit.

I may not be invited next year. Well, unless I get some more national television coverage that will make them want to be around me a little bit more. I really need my own TV show at this point so that I get all my friends back. Here's to the New Year!

Don't worry about me,

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Varla's got the gift!

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Don't worry about me,

Wednesday, December 24, 2008


Ladies and Gentlemen!

After I did our Sunday performance of "Scrooge In Rouge!" in New Orleans, I jetted off early Monday to New York to film a little commercial/public service announcement for LOGO, the gay television channel! Watch for it in January! Then Tuesday morning, I jetted off to Los Angeles for a "meeting" (yes, I'm being mysterious!).

Well, guess who was on my flight! No, not Whitney Houston. Colton Ford! The ex-porn star/singer! He was holding hands with a very attractive younger man and they both were wearing muscle shirts that I assume they got at Benjamin Moore. I thought the wardrobe choice was a little odd, because it was 6 degrees that morning in NYC, but of course I didn't complain!

Things may have shifted during flight.

Thank God I was incognito, because I was in COACH! (just this time, I swear...) But, to my delight, so was he! Yeah! That made me feel really good. Maybe all of us international chanteuses are on a budget this year. But, I was afraid if he saw me taking a picture he might think I was interested and make me go into the lavatory and "do a scene" with him. And, we all know I am saving myself for that special person(s), like the Jonas Brothers.

I must say he is very handsome, but the best part was watching him make faces at a little baby. He seemed very sweet, even though memories of him "making love" kept popping into my mind! I know, I'm a dirrrty lady!

Well, I wish all of you the Merriest of Christmases, even the Jewish people.

Don't worry about me,

Monday, December 22, 2008


Ladies and Gentlemen!


Yesterday, LaSwan (Lady Across the Streeet Without A Name) and I went to see the movie "MILK." She told me we were seeing a biopic about Martin Luther King, "MLK" but I guess she didn't see the "I," because it had absolutely nothing to do with African-American civil rights or Dr. King.

MILK does a movie good.

I was thrilled because it turns out it was about the gays and gay rights! I loved it! However, LaSwan left right after Harvey Milk picked up a cute guy on a subway platform. She said she liked the gays but didn't want to do extensive research on them. I kept telling her that maybe Martin Luther King would show up later in the film, but he never did. LaSwan said he was killed years before Harvey Milk and stormed out of the theater. WITH MY POPCORN. And, at one point I almost left, too, because when I was using the bathroom (for the fourth time) someone in the ladies room "spoiled" the ending of "MILK" for me. Thanks a lot, lady! So for the rest of the movie I sat there and waited for a tragedy. And, what a miserable tragedy it was. Truly.

The movie was great. And Josh Brolin made me stick to my seat, even if he was the bad guy. At first I thought I was sitting on a piece of gum, but...

He likes "older" women? Am I "older?"

I hate movie spoilers! It was like when I saw "The Sixth Sense" years ago and when someone was leaving they shouted, "You mean Bruce Willis was dead for the whole movie?" How dare they! Oh, wait. That was me who shouted that, and then people started throwing popcorn and Hot Tamales at me.

Spoiler Alert. He's dead, baby.

So then I went to see "The Others" with Nicole Kidman (I didn't go with her, she was in the movie) and all day long I "acted" like I was leaving the movie and I would say really loudly "You mean they were dead the entire time?" And, guess what? Every time, an angry mob threw more popcorn and Hot Tamales at me! Mission Accomplished. I love acting!

She's dead, too, baby.

I really didn't know the whole story of Harvey Milk. I thank Gus (Mr. Van Sant, for you civilians) for a truly great film. I am so inspired by Harvey Milk's life and sincerely moved by his accomplishments. GO SEE THE MOVIE! And keep the movement alive.

Don't worry about me,

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Privacy please!

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Mrs. Danvers in a recumbent posture.

Wistful morning on the edge of tears.

Oh! She was only acting! Like Mommy! But believable!

Mrs. Danvers looks like Don Knotts as Santa Claus!

Driving Mrs. Danvers. Through the Daiquiri Drive-Thru.

Mrs. Danvers meet my Mrs. Danvers.

Being John Malcovich, Varla-style! Timo did this! Isn't it strangely appealing?

Don't worry about me,

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

That's my meat!

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Tuesday night we went out for LaSwan's (Lady Across the Street Without A Name) Birthday. This has been the seventh birthday I have spent with LaSwan and truth be told I look as forward to "12/16" as much as I do to "9/11." I even get the same "9/11" feeling when those numbers appear sequentially, like when I buy something and it comes to "$12.16" or if I am in room "1216" in a hotel. Like that chill you get when you are peeing and you think someone is watching. And then you see that they are a teensy bit attractive so you try to do it a little sexier. But still, it makes you shudder for a second.

See, LaSwan takes her birthday and the regrets associated with the "passing of youth" very personally, as to where I completely could care less. And besides, I have given her the name of my "dermatologist" every single morning that I have seen her for the past seven years. I take care of myself! Like I say, "My body is my temple! Come inside and worship!"

And, I put beer in the batter!

This impending sense of doom causes me not to not want to go to "The Texas Roadhouse" and drink beer and shill peanuts and celebrate LaSwan's birthday even though the lovely people at the "Roadhouse" let me choose the exact steak I wanted. That part was fun! It's like being a judge at a beauty pageant, but being able to eat the girl after she wins.

Anyhoo, birthdays can be difficult. Holidays can be worse. Put those two things in close proximity and you get trouble. But nothing can help you "Forget your troubles! Come on Get happy!" like a big piece of meat that you selected like a Mayan priest at a virgin sacrifice and a "blooming onion." Add a couple of margaritas and a good time is had by all!

Pick your own meat!

I actually find being alone on the holidays can be more enjoyable, especially if you starve yourself while you know the rest of the world is pigging out. It feels like you are getting double points. Cause you know those skinny people will let their guard down and scarf down a pie or something. It's the one chance you can catch up.

Or if you go visit your "dermatologist" to have a teeny tiny bit of Botox before the holidays, getting your face ready for LA pilot season, and you get a beauty bruise, or twelve, because you drank heavily the night before they shot that botulism in your face, and because the hooch thinned your blood it oozed giant purple splotches across your forehead, it allows you to recover from the bruises in peace. Well, that's what I've heard.

Madonna with beauty bruise.

Anyhoo, thank god "12/16" has passed, and without incident! It was fun this year. Sort of. I would swear "12/16" was the longest day of the year, but scientifically it technically isn't. Dinner conversation centered around living wills, capping out our health insurance with terminal illnesses, and where we want our ashes spread. LaSwan wants her ashes spread on Tahiti even though she has never even been there, nor could she locate it on a map. I told her that I had some parts of my body spread there once during an RSVP Vacation and proceeded to tell my "Island Boy" story, but LaSwan told me to go "make love" to myself and that she couldn't wait to pull the plug on me if the occasion ever came up.

You do the honors.

At least I know my living will is going to be honored.

Don't worry about me!

Monday, December 15, 2008

Tub of Love

Ladies and Gentlemen!

I have been so pleased to get so many comments on my "Soiled Toilets," the art-installation/smile-inducer that I displayed in front of my New Orleans' home! My neighbor LaSwan (Lady Across the Street Without A Name) said that she had never seen anything like it in the thirty years she has lived in our Marigny neighborhood! And, that my spectacle brought our "hood" to a new level!

So, I decided to surprise LaSwan with an early Christmas present, with my second in a series I call "Bathroom Surprises!"

Imagine how surprised she'll be when she wakes up today and sees this!

Mrs. Danvers waters the flowers.

I'm gonna let you in on a secret! The poinsettias are FAKE! Gotcha!

That way, after Christmas she can just pull them out and not lose the integrity of the display! Imagine every holiday being able to embellish the "work" with different seasonal flowers! (I also painted the lower half of her house Holly-Berry Red, over that boring beige, to bring out the red in the flowers! That could also be adjusted seasonally, but it is a little time-consuming. That's why I only painted the bottom half of the house. But, LaSwan doesn't have to know that I got tired. I'm calling it a "choice!" And anyway, "red and beige" reminds me of the Boy Scouts! And a troupe of Boy Scouts makes me think of, uh, never mind.

As you can see, Mrs. Danvers loves my latest objet, too! We are just alike! Although, I had to scold her for mistaking the bathtub for a toilet. But, I couldn't punish her because she has seen me make the same mistake a dozen times. And besides, I suppose it will be great fertilizer for the poinsettias.

As I said, Mrs Danvers and I like the same things. But, with this I had to draw the line. Press "PLAY" and see.

Don't worry about me,

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Beyoncé on a budget

Ladies and Gentlemen!

I am! I am like
Beyoncé...on a budget! I've been jetting around the world promoting something I truly believe in...myself!

On Wednesday, I hopped on a jet and flew to Georgia to promote the
Atlanta run of "Shut Up, Sweet Charlotte!" I did a couple of holiday numbers for the crowd over at Blake's and had a sensational time with my fabulous producers from Reaction Marketing! Oh, and I love those Atlanta boys!

I even posed for photos in the men's room! (Not the first time.) Well, it had the best lighting for cell phone cameras! I sat on the toilet with the door wide opened and shouted out to the passers-by, "'Come into my web,' said the spider to the fly!" And they did!

Me in my "gay apparel" in the mens' room.

One word of warning to any other international chanteuses on Atlanta press junkets... DO NOT MENTION THE
"ATLANTA HOUSEWIVES!" When I did, they BOOED! I guess it's like going to Germany and giving a "shout-out" to The Third Reich. Oopsie-daisy!

Pretty. But unsettling.

The next morning, I climbed out of the men's room and jetted back to
New Orleans where it was SNOWING! I tried to enjoy the beauty of the falling flakes as I kept scratching that "itching reminder" that the end of the world is obviously right around the corner. And that I need some Tinactin. Anyhoo, let's hope it happens after my Atlanta theatrical debut, or all this traveling will be for nothing!

Opal's Famous Recurrent Wardrobe Malfunction

Later that night I hosted the opening party at a new club opening in New Orleans...
Chateau de Moanet Voila! The owners were such sweet dolls! And, let momma tell you, the food was DELICIOUS! And it's open all day way into the night!

The party was INSANE!

Now, I have seen a lot of things in my "day," but how many times in one night do I see:

1. Gorgeous 200 lbs. black men with huge pendulous exposed breasts. (Like Opal, see photo above)

2. Real ladies using their "woo's" to hold themselves upside down on stripper poles.

3. A scantily-clad lady floating in a clear plexi-glass ice bucket behind the bar.

And, the piece de resistance...
4. A rock group "
Kiss" tribute band comprised of four little people. (i.e. midgets)

Big stars "Mini Kiss"

LaSwan (Lady Across the Street Without A Name) and I got in huge fight because I hired her to assist me and she forgot to pack my jingle bells. I put everything in a pile and she just left them out! And my "Jingle Bells" showstopper isn't without the jingle bells.

She screamed "Don't get all Miss Ross on me! I ain't your Gayle!" I pointed out that she was mixing analogies, and that she should have said
"Don't get all Oprah on me! I ain't your Gayle!" But LaSwan thought that had an entirely different "meaning" and told me to put my jingle bells in a "special place."

Then she proceeded to "celebrate" with my drink tickets and last I saw her she was harassing Opal, trying to find out if she had a penis.

Ah! Just another week in the life of an international chanteuse.

Performing in "Scrooge In Rouge!" tonight!

Oh, and here's that "Jingle Bells" number with the jingle bells, LaSwan!

Don't worry about me,

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Voting Republican

Ladies and Gentlemen!

I had to vote for a Republican this past weekend! I know! "In what election?" many of you are probably asking. Well, in New Orleans, we do everything a little after everyone else. Everything.

So, we just had our 2nd District Congressional Representative election. And, the incumbent, (that word always makes me think of cucumbers!), Mr. William Jefferson, a democrat, was indicted recently for bribery and stuff, which is apparently now against the law. People have been taking bribes forever here in Louisiana, so I just assumed they weren't punishing people for it anymore, kind of like jay-walking or not cleaning up after your dog. (I always pick up Mrs. Danvers' little piles, well, at least I "act" like I am. Well, I am an actress!)

Mrs. Danvers weathers the political storm.

Anyhoo, the FBI found $90,000 worth of alleged bribe money in Rep. William Jefferson's freezer.

So, as you see, I couldn't vote for anyone who would keep money in the freezer, because I believe that is poor judgement. The freezer should only be used for ice cream and poppers. Jalapeno poppers.

Holy Cao!

Anyhoo, the only other person to vote for that didn't seem like a crazy person was a Republican, named Ahn "Joseph" Cao! (Rhymes with "wow.") I've never voted Republican. Or Vietnamese, for that matter. But, this time I killed two birds with one stone. (Ooh. I hate that phrase. I love birds. Though I do wear feathers all the time. Oh God? Do you think they kill the birds for the feathers like fur? I've never thought about that! I'm not wearing them anymore. After next week.)

Anyhoo, now New Orleans, an extremely democratic city, actually elected the Republican. And, he is the very first Vietnamese Congressman! In the United States, y'all! From Louisiana? I thought "we" (meaning my neighbors) were racist!

Our Governor, Bobby Jindal

And not only that, Louisiana has the first Indian Governor! Not American-Indian, but the other kind! (What do you call them? Just Indian? Jeez Marie! I'm getting a headache. And my neighbors, you know, the racists, have formed a band and they are practicing now. I want to complain, but I'm not going to because I think they really need the practice. Bad.) What was I saying?

Ugh! I hate writing about politics! I can't focus on that stuff. And now for some reason, I'm craving cucumbers, spring rolls, and chicken tikka marsala.

Don't worry about me,

Monday, December 8, 2008

Magna Puella!

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Last night, my dear friend, Timo, came to see me in "Scrooge In Rouge!" here in New Orleans with his adorable husband, Phillip. As some of you may know, Timo and I attended (and I use that word loosely) Louisiana State University together. He followed me home after a Latin class we shared some 21 years ago. Hic! Haec! Hoc! He called me his "magna puella."

Phillip, me, and Timo. Unfortunately, Timo asked me for an aspirin before the show and I "accidentally" gave him an Ambien.

But, it was because of him that I started performing and making videos! Hey!
Not those kind! Well, just one... We were doing this in 1988! This was way before home computers and so he edited everything on two common VCR decks that he "borrowed" from his neighbor.

Timo relaxing at home with Uhura

Anyhoo, I thought I would post one of me and Timo's very first videos from the 80s! The production is a little "primitive" but you get the idea. It is to Dolly Parton's "Coat of Many Colors." I will warn you that the ending involves school violence. That really shows you how long I have been doing this...I was making videos so long ago that school violence was actually considered "funny."

And, yes, that is me playing both mother and daughter. Even back then, I was over-challenging myself!

Timo and Mrs. Danvers. Timo was harder to train.

Don't worry about me,

Saturday, December 6, 2008

My mind is on Georgia!

Ladies and Gentlemen!

First the Russians invaded Georgia, and now me!

Ricky Graham and me, uh, I. It's us.

Do you live in Atlanta? Do you know anyone in Atlanta, including those darling housewife ladies? Forward this invite to them, or to your friends! Heck! Send this one to your enemies, too!

I will be there, in Atlanta, at Blake's on the Park, on Wednesday night, December 10th, for a press event to announce my Georgian debut--the run of "SHUT UP! SWEET CHARLOTTE!" Come have cocktails and celebrate me!

I have never done a show in Atlanta, although I did "perform" at an intimate party at the Days Inn by the airport once on an overnight layover. Whatever happened to that sweet, furry AirTran steward? If you're out there, come to the party! And, bring more people!

Anyhoo, if you know people in the land of peaches, tell them to check the invite below and RSVP by emailing "" as soon as they can!

Don't be tardy for the party! BTW, does anyone know Ne-Ne? Get that gal on the guest list! (Hey, Ne-Ne! We can invite Sheree and then "forget" to put her name at the door! Tee-hee, Ne-Ne! Oui! Oui!)

Some of you with better things to do with your time may have no idea what all that was, back to the plot!

"Charlotte" is a hoot and a half! And, I have a "topless" scene. That's right! I'm pullin' out the big guns!

And, see? Reading my blog comes with benefits!

Don't worry about me,

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Scrooge In Rouge!

Ladies and Gentlemen!

My vacation is officially over! This Friday, I am "back on the boards" as we say in the business with "Scrooge In Rouge!" And unlike my solo shows, I "share" the stage with other people. It can be annoying, but I am trying to act like I see them sometimes on stage, and every now and then I even look them right in the eyes...a sign of a professional actress.

"Sharing" the stage with me are the fabulous Mr. Ricky Graham and Ms. Yvette Hargis, two amazing actors from New Orleans, and our fantastic composer and pianist, Mr. Jefferson Turner. They look me in the eyes a lot on stage, which can sometimes be a little creepy. But, obviously they are just trying to be professionals, too.

Here is a scene from "Scrooge In Rouge!" featuring Jefferson on piano, Ricky as the "Ghost of Christmas Past," Yvette as "Scrooge," and yours truly as Scrooge's little sister, "Fan."

Both Ricky and Yvette will be touring with me to Atlanta, where we will perform a send-up of "Hush, Hush Sweet Charlotte" called "Shut Up! Sweet Charlotte!" (Check my website tour schedule for details!) The show was adapted by me and the amazing Matthew Martin, who originally played the Bette Davis part when we did a prior version in San Francisco years ago. I, of course, play the Olivia de Havilland role, which was originally supposed to be played by Joan Crawford in the movie, but she quit because of back problems(i.e. Bette Davis) and surrendered the role to Olivia.

BTW, Matthew and I will be doing a movie version of "Whatever Happened To Baby Jane" produced by Billy Clift in which Matthew will once again take on the Bette part and I will assume the Joan Crawford role. I know what you're saying...that I'm much too feminine to play Crawford. True, but I have a lot of experience trying to "act" butch. Lots.

Don't worry about me,

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Stoop to a new low

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Last night,
LaSwan (Lady Across the Street Without A Name) and I had a glass of wine on her front stoop. Well, as you ladies know, put a few bottles of wine into two single gals and you know where it leads to! Sex! Not physical sex...LaSwan's not interested. We talked about sex, right there on the stoop! It was very "Sex in the City" meets "227."

LaSwan confided in me, on the sole condition that I didn't breathe a word to anyone, that she has been making love to the garbage man for weeks! But, he has to perform quickly so that he can catch up with the truck at the end of the block. This has led to a little dissatisfaction for LaSwan. In fact, she only gave it a "2" out of "5" on her love-making satisfaction scale. I, of course, wanted to know the qualifications for each rating in her scale.

LaSwan's Lovin' Rating Scale

Lovin' so bad...
Hair doesn't move.

Lovin' so-so...
Hair requires slight

Lovin' not bad...
Hair shifts
during flight.

And you end up looking
like Rihanna.

Good lovin'!
Hair comes
off head.

Hot-damn lovin'!
Wig KNOCKED off. Can't find wig after. You don't even care!

Of course, LaSwan's rating system doesn't work for me because it doesn't take into account my all-natural tawny auburn locks.

Here's the same scale, but for those of you who have busy lives like me and don't have time to scroll.

Don't worry about me,

Monday, December 1, 2008

Nobody's Secretary!

Ladies and Gentlemen!

"As long as I don't have to get your dry cleaning..."

Well, I can't believe it. Hillary Clinton accepted President Elect Obama's offer to be his secretary of state.

Why would Hillary agree to be anyone's secretary?
I think this sets the women's movement back at least thirty years. A woman as qualified as she is should not be taking dictation and getting someone's coffee, even if it is the President of the United States.

And speaking of coffee,
LaSwan (Lady Across the Street Without A Name) keeps telling me that Obama definitely has a little cream in his.

Poor Hillary. She even accepted the job and they didn't even tell her which state she'll be the secretary of! God! Is she that desperate for a job? What if they ship her off to North Dakota, or something. That would make the Republicans happy, that's for sure. She should be in Washington!

I thought we were going to see "change." Not a remake of "
Nine to Five."

Don't worry about me,