Saturday, December 13, 2008

Beyoncé on a budget

Ladies and Gentlemen!

I am! I am like
Beyoncé...on a budget! I've been jetting around the world promoting something I truly believe in...myself!

On Wednesday, I hopped on a jet and flew to Georgia to promote the
Atlanta run of "Shut Up, Sweet Charlotte!" I did a couple of holiday numbers for the crowd over at Blake's and had a sensational time with my fabulous producers from Reaction Marketing! Oh, and I love those Atlanta boys!

I even posed for photos in the men's room! (Not the first time.) Well, it had the best lighting for cell phone cameras! I sat on the toilet with the door wide opened and shouted out to the passers-by, "'Come into my web,' said the spider to the fly!" And they did!

Me in my "gay apparel" in the mens' room.

One word of warning to any other international chanteuses on Atlanta press junkets... DO NOT MENTION THE
"ATLANTA HOUSEWIVES!" When I did, they BOOED! I guess it's like going to Germany and giving a "shout-out" to The Third Reich. Oopsie-daisy!

Pretty. But unsettling.

The next morning, I climbed out of the men's room and jetted back to
New Orleans where it was SNOWING! I tried to enjoy the beauty of the falling flakes as I kept scratching that "itching reminder" that the end of the world is obviously right around the corner. And that I need some Tinactin. Anyhoo, let's hope it happens after my Atlanta theatrical debut, or all this traveling will be for nothing!

Opal's Famous Recurrent Wardrobe Malfunction

Later that night I hosted the opening party at a new club opening in New Orleans...
Chateau de Moanet Voila! The owners were such sweet dolls! And, let momma tell you, the food was DELICIOUS! And it's open all day way into the night!

The party was INSANE!

Now, I have seen a lot of things in my "day," but how many times in one night do I see:

1. Gorgeous 200 lbs. black men with huge pendulous exposed breasts. (Like Opal, see photo above)

2. Real ladies using their "woo's" to hold themselves upside down on stripper poles.

3. A scantily-clad lady floating in a clear plexi-glass ice bucket behind the bar.

And, the piece de resistance...
4. A rock group "
Kiss" tribute band comprised of four little people. (i.e. midgets)

Big stars "Mini Kiss"

LaSwan (Lady Across the Street Without A Name) and I got in huge fight because I hired her to assist me and she forgot to pack my jingle bells. I put everything in a pile and she just left them out! And my "Jingle Bells" showstopper isn't without the jingle bells.

She screamed "Don't get all Miss Ross on me! I ain't your Gayle!" I pointed out that she was mixing analogies, and that she should have said
"Don't get all Oprah on me! I ain't your Gayle!" But LaSwan thought that had an entirely different "meaning" and told me to put my jingle bells in a "special place."

Then she proceeded to "celebrate" with my drink tickets and last I saw her she was harassing Opal, trying to find out if she had a penis.

Ah! Just another week in the life of an international chanteuse.

Performing in "Scrooge In Rouge!" tonight!

Oh, and here's that "Jingle Bells" number with the jingle bells, LaSwan!

Don't worry about me,


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