Monday, March 30, 2009

Fried Woman.

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Being an international chanteuse is hard, lemme tell you. United lost my luggage! And I have to perform at an awards show tonight, THE BIG EASY's, here in New Orleans.

I need my MAC makeup! Covergirl won't cover this gal! I will try to do a video blog when I get home tonight, if I don't look like KD Lang.

And what am I gonna do wothout my Malin+Goetz Cellular Renewal Cream! All my facial cells laying here hungry to be renewed!

How does Beyoncé do it? Oh yeah. 80 million dollars leaves room for an assistant. LaSwan (Lady Across the Street Without a Name) said I should just have a drink and not show up. But I've done that so many times before, even that is getting a little tired.

Wish my face luck.

Don't worry about me,

Saturday, March 28, 2009

San Fran Suzy Sat

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Woke up this morning in San Fran Suzy to a lovely breakfast from my hosts, Scotty and Steven on Bryant Street.

Scotty and sausages.

After I performed in Austin, I came out here to film a new video for VARLA JEAN AND THE MUSHROOM HEADS, called "Story Time with Ann Coulter."

That lovable children's character, ANT COULTER.

That is actually my friend Nora Burns, form UNITARD and THE NELLY OLSENS! Tee-hee!

Everyone wanted to wear the Ann Coulter wig!

Steven as Ann Coulter. (A little Fabio-ish!)

I am off to New Orleans today to start rehearsals on Monday! Jet Blue, boo!

Don't worry about me,

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Evie on TV!

Ladies and Gentlemen!

For those of you out there who love the movie I was in (well, the one that was released), "Girls Will Be Girls," I have something exciting to tell you.

Jack Plotnick, who plays Evie, is going to be featured in a TV show tomorrow! (TV as in television, not TV as in transvestite)

He's going to be on "Supernatural" THIS THURSDAY, March 26th at 9pm on the CW! (First 20 minutes of the show)

It's his biggest role in a drama yet (with a SHOCKING surprise)! Episode titled "It's a Terrible Life".

That's Jack, on the left, ah, right!

Don't miss it!

Monday, March 23, 2009


Ladies and Gentlemen,

Know anyone in Austin? I'm gonna be there! Wednesday night! I'm doing two short sets for all the kids at Oil Can Harry's!

Click on it for details! What a bargain price! I'm cheap!

I have been so busy filming with THE MUSHROOM HEADS for the new show! I am so excited for y'all to see it!

But, on Saturday, I took time out of my busy schedule to go out to eat with my "friend" Bubba (short for Bubalah.) We ate at a very nice restaurant here in New Orleans. The ambiance was incredible, with a sky of blooming wisteria above us.

However, I kept noticing two women looking down at my feet in horror. I thought I must have poked a hole in my panty hose with my big toe again. Happens all the time because my toe nails are like razor blades. Kind of like Lotte Lenya in the James Bond film "From Russia With Love." Remember, when she tries to kick him with her poison tipped shoe? An old lady trying to kick you isn't very threatening, even if her shoes are equipped with a weapon.

Lotte Lenya. From Kurt Weill to vile villain.

I digress. They weren't looking at my poison-tipped hoof. No, it was worse. There was a very large "mouse" at my feet acting drunk. I thought he had been hitting the sauce, but Bubba said he obviously was dying from rat poison and was taking his last crawl, daring as it may be, into the dining area for his final scene. (Jewish people are more dramatic than actors, I swear!)

Anyhoo, so as the "mouse" delivered a performance worthy of Maria Callas as Violetta in La Traviata, the waiter noticed the death scene as well, and without missing a beat, put a napkin over it and picked it up, pulling the curtain before its final bow, and whisked it out of the dining area...passing by table after table with one knowing what was in the napkin. I asked the waiter when he returned to take our order how he "disposed" of the "mouse," and he looked me right in the eyes and said "Shhhhh!"

She was allowed to finish her scene.

Then he informed me that when he bent down to give the "mouse" a ride to "heaven" that my big toe was, in fact, sticking out of my panty hose. Vile.

Don't worry about me,

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

The BIg Easy

Ladies and Gentlemen!

I am so thrilled to be in New Orleans! Amazing! Here's my song about my favorite place in the world!

I have to go now and film a new video for my new show, VARLA JEAN AND THE MUSHROOM HEADS!

Don't worry about me,

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Somebody bag me.

Ladies and Gentlemen!

The boys at took this picture. Can you believe it?

Just breathe.

I'm sure some fetishists out there are lovin' this hot suffocating mama! Is this what lesbians wear for safe sex?

Alright! I "Googled" myself, and when this picture came up I almost died! Really!

Don't worry about me,

Saturday, March 14, 2009


Ladies and Gentlemen!

I am here to tell you that Louisville was AMAZING! I was at the Kentucky Center for the Arts on Friday night. Now some of you may be thinking then, "I guess Kentucky has a lower standard of 'Art,' right?" Well, NO! Quite the contrary!

My head was bigger than usual. Huge, in fact!

First of all, I stayed in the most amazing place I have ever stayed at! And I have stayed in some swanky motels! The 21C Museum Hotel in Louisville! Check it out! It is filled with fascinating modern art, video installations, and Malin+Goetz products! (my favorite!)

My lovely ass., Johnny!

Johnny used the urinal in the hotel bathroom while I waited in the hallway, looking at myself in a giant floor-to-ceiling plate glass mirror. When Johnny came out he said he saw me "touching" my nose. Turns out, the urinal is a two-way mirror!

Johnny's pants are down on the other side of that glass!

You pee on one one side of the glass and no one can see you on the other! Who doesn't love a creative urinal! Of course, I have been on one side of a two-way mirror once before. But, the man wasn't able to identify me. Thank God for my chameleon-like fashion sense.

Look at the red penguins!

Anyhoo, the show was wonderful, thanks to my wonderful pianist, Tom Shaw. And of course, the Kentucky Center's Dan Forte and Tom Trudgeon. And, look how fashionably the audience was dressed!

That's Herman on the left and Marty on the right!

And that wasn't the first time I have been on their chests!

Don't worry about me,

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Charlotte Photos!

Ladies and Gentlemen!

I am off to Louisville in the morning for my show on Friday night!

Today, I got some cast pictures from our production of "SHUT UP, SWEET CHARLOTTE!" that was produced by Dave Morgan and Tim Perez at Reaction Productions, and adapted by Jeffery Roberson and Mr. Matthew Martin!

Thanks to the amazing guys at TRIANGLE INN in Palm Springs! Stay there if you go! Some of the cast stayed at WARM SANDS VILLA and loved that, too! Thank you, both amazing inns, for supporting the "arts."

Killing Velma, Brooks Braselman!

Killing the audience, Mr. Ricky Graham!

Killer guns on Mr. Mark Meehan!

Killer scene!

Killer cast! With Yvette Hargis and Michael Sullivan!

Can you believe it?

I will do a video blog after my show in Kentucky for Saturday!

Smooches from the pooches!

Rebecca and Mrs. Danvers.

I know I'm annoying with the dog photos, but I can't help it. I love them so much! I can't believe it!

Don't worry about me,

Monday, March 9, 2009

Seeing double!

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I just got off the plane from LA to LA (Louisiana). I am here filming the videos for my new show "VARLA JEAN AND THE MUSHROOM HEADS!" which opens in New Orleans on April 24th.

LaSwan (Lady Across the Street Without A Name) was outside to greet me, although when she saw me pull up, she darted back inside. She's pretty shy sometimes. I kept knocking for 3 hours and she finally heard me. When she opened the door, I couldn't believe it! There was a puppy, just like my Mrs. Danvers!

Seeing double without "help."

LaSwan named her Gracie, but I promptly changed her name to Rebecca. (Becks for short...) LaSwan said she got Rebecca because she missed Mrs. Danvers so much. Then she asked me when I was leaving again. It's nice to have a neighbor so supportive of my "career."

I'm off to Louisville, KY, for a show on Friday, much to the delight of Kentuckimanarians and LaSwan!

Don't worry about me,

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Palm Saturday

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Sorry I missed Wednesday! I am a busy on the go lady!

Don't worry about me,

Monday, March 2, 2009

Palm Springs!

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Sorry so late today! I flew from Chicago to LA and then drove to Palm Springs for "SHUT UP, SWEET CHARLOTTE!"

I am exhausted, but can't wait to do the show! Only three, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday! Tell your Palm Springs friends and Suzanne Sommers.

I love my life! I do. Well, the pendulum has swung again at least for now.

I am looking forward to going back to New Orleans for a while. I miss her. Bad. But in the meantime...

View from the Triangle Inn!

I will give you guys a video blog late on Wednesday! I promise!

Don't worry about me,